Am I EQuipped for conflict resolution?

May 20

Written By

Dear EQuipped Leaders,

Hiiiiiii!

I’m meeting you here today extra nourished and happy. I just turned 35, and I’m learning for the first time how to ask for exactly what I want for my birthday celebration. My family and friends delivered, and I’m feeling really grateful this morning. It’s taken me awhile, but this feeling-my- -feelings and asking-for-what-I-want-and-need stuff is really starting to pay off!!!

So whatever you're bringing here this morning, it’s welcome. I got us.

And since I’m feeling extra hopeful today, I want to tackle something I normally avoid:

Conflict

What is your relationship with conflict like?

Growing up, did you see adults get upset with each other and then come back together after cooling down to apologize, forgive, and negotiate solutions?

Or did it go down a little differently?

What was modeled for you in terms of conflict?

How did conflict make you feel as a kid? How does it make you feel now as an adult?

For me, as a teacher, parent, and just a human being, I’ve spent (wasted) so much energy trying to prevent conflict from happening.

I had no tools for dealing with conflict once it happened, so all of my emotional energy went into trying to control things I can’t control in hopes of keeping everyone happy (impossible) and avoiding an uncomfortable situation.

But conflict happens. Stuff breaks. And conflict actually needs to happen for a relationship to be healthy:

“The hallmark of a healthy relationship is not the absence of conflict but the relationship’s capacity to successfully resolve conflict to peace.” - The EQ Intervention

If I bought a vehicle that worked perfectly unless I went over the slightest bump, in which case it would fall over and burst into flames, I would have two main options for dealing with this terrible purchase: 1. Drive around obsessively watching out for and avoiding bumps. 2. Or stay parked in the garage, never venturing out in the first place.

Not ideal. I’d need to get a new vehicle that could handle some bumps.

Think of your 5 most important relationships. What kind of vehicles are they? Do you have to avoid all bumps for it to work? Or have you stopped even taking that relationship out of the garage? Maybe you just always drive on the same exact roads, so you don’t have to worry about it. Or have you been over some bumps together? Did you make it through? How safe does that vehicle feel now that you know what it can handle? Maybe you have some all-terrain vehicles that can fly around the world, resilient and free. Maybe you have some vehicles that are really limited, only safe as long as you keep to the beaten path.

Wherever you are, if you and your relationships are terrible at handling conflict, you’re not alone. I was totally ill-equipped as a teacher to handle conflict in the classroom. Truly, my only tool would be to force one kid to offer a perfunctory apology to another kid, which seemed pointless because it felt so fake and shallow.

Conflict needs space. It needs an emotionally mature adult to hold space for the discomfort that comes with the messy middle of conflict. I couldn’t do that. I didn’t have enough space for my own feelings or even an awareness for what they were. There was no way I was EQuipped to facilitate healthy conflict resolution in my classroom. I could manage behavior (by ignoring and inhibiting emotion), but I couldn’t help lead kids to conflict resolution. And I don’t blame myself for that. No one ever taught me how.

The EQ Intervention provides a tool for teachers (and all humans) for navigating the bumps of conflict:

A Conflict Resolution Map

Would you like a tool for approaching conflict beyond the perfunctory, “Say you’re sorry!”?

We’ve got you. I would love to work with you and your faculty to:

Normalize Conflict - You're not broken, you’re human. And instead of avoiding conflict with your colleagues, students, and parents, let’s get some resources to confidently handle those bumps in the road.

Facilitate Conflict Resolution for Students - While conflict is an inconvenience that disrupts whatever lesson you had planned that day, it’s also a really important opportunity to model healthy relationships skills that kids can take with them for the rest of their lives. If they can feel it even once, they can replicate it in their other relationships.

EQuip your most conflict-y spaces - Parent/Teacher conference misunderstandings, students throwing punches on the bus ride home, teachers competing instead of collaborating. Where is conflict happening (but not getting resolved) in your school community? Could you use a third party like me to come in and help you find a solution? No judgment, no shame. Just making space for all the feelings and finding a new way forward together.

What would your school feel like if everyone within it could face conflict with confidence, EQuipped for whatever bumps the day brings?

Interested? Email me what’s working and not working for you in terms of conflict. I would love to connect with you.

Better EQuipped Together,

Elizabeth