How do I instruct emotion for “bullies”?

Dear EQuipped Leaders,

What are your beliefs about goodness and badness?

Some people are good and some people are bad.

We all have both good and bad within us.

We’re all good but trauma harms some of us and makes us act out badly.

Some people are just born rotten.

Something totally different.

I was recently speaking to a teacher about some kids bullying at her school. Kids who are consistently saying and doing cruel things to other kids.

One thing I noticed in my own experience teaching is how conversations like this would quickly turn unproductive once goodness and badness gets introduced. Often instead of looking at emotions underlying destructive behavior, there is an attack on a kid’s character. A kid gets labeled as something that would put them in the “bad people” category: a bully, a mean kid, a bad egg.

I believe labeling kids as good or bad is unproductive. Instead, I recommend a more EQuipped approach:

Separating emotions from behavior.

All emotions are okay. All of them.

Not all behavior is okay.

Kids need us to validate their emotions and teach them how to express their emotions appropriately.

Emotions signal needs, not character defects.

When a kid is acting out destructively, what if instead of even going down the unproductive “good or bad” road, we went to:

What is going on with this kid? What does he need? What is she feeling? What’s happening here?

If as adults we can get curious instead of furious, I think we can eliminate so much unnecessary suffering.

So yay but how?

By instructing emotion.

Not judging emotion or controlling emotion or condemning emotion.

Instructing, teaching, believing someone is capable of more. Giving them the support and tools they need to grow.

I’m learning when instructing emotions for my own children, I have to be super honest about my true feelings. For example, I can’t pretend I don’t ever want to hit someone. I’m a human being. I get really mad and want to hit people sometimes. I don’t, but I want to. And I have a lot of tools, so I can express my anger in healthy ways that don't harm me or others. But I still get angry, and it would be inauthentic and untrue to pretend I don’t.

I’m not all good. I’m not all bad. I’m human. I’m growing, and I’ve only ever grown when kind people have believed I’m capable of growth–Have taken the time to tend to my needs and given me more tools for feeling and expressing my feelings.

What if we all did this for ourselves and each other? What would our schools, homes, communities be like?

What if we believed more securely in the goodness in ourselves and the kids depending on us? And when we see bad behavior, we see it as a gap in someone’s EQ, not a condemnation of them as a person.