What if INVITE kids' emotions?

Dear EQuipped Leaders,

The last three weeks, we’ve explored three ineffective ways to respond to kids’ emotions: ignore, inhibit, and invalidate.

Today we’re getting into the effective ways to respond to kids’ emotions, starting with the simpler of the two: Invite Emotion.

The easiest way to start inviting emotion in your classroom or home is to stick up an emotions chart for yourself and your kiddos. If you haven’t already printed and posted ours, here ya go!

You’ve got two to choose from:

Our Elementary School Chart

And our Secondary School Chart

In my experience, inviting emotions for others, my students and my own children, is the easy part. The hard part is actually inviting emotion for myself.

I remember early in therapy, asking my therapist to give me specific words to use in a situation with my child. My thinking was, “You’re emotionally mature. I’m not there yet. So I’ll just tell you, the emotions expert (or ‘feelings doctor’ as we call them with our children) what’s going on and you can tell me what to say to my child.”

Essentially, I was saying, “I’ll just copy you, a self-aware and empathetic person, and then I don’t have to do any emotional work for myself, but I can still do a good job of supporting my children’s emotions. I’ll just steal your words.”

Thankfully, I have a wonderful therapist, who told me honestly, “That’s not how this works.”

Bummer.

I wanted to perform inviting emotions for the kids depending on me while still ignoring, inhibiting, and invalidating my own emotions. And…that’s not how this works.

I had to start inviting emotion for myself and actually practicing what I preach. I can tell everyone all day long that I have space for all of their emotions, but saying I have space and actually having space are not the same things. I can’t judge and suppress my own messy feelings without also inhibiting and invalidating the emotions of those closest to me. If I hurt myself that way, I’ll hurt everyone else that way, unconsciously.

It was a hard pill to swallow.

I realized I didn’t have the emotional health required to raise emotionally healthy kids. I started trying to facilitate conversations for kids in my classroom around really tough issues that no one had ever facilitated for me. I was trying to teach and give to students something I did NOT have yet. I learned that if I wanted to EQuip my classroom and my home, I had to start by EQuipping myself.

So let’s practice inviting emotion, you and me, right now. Let’s be a little bit better EQuipped together.

How are you feeling? If you are being 100% honest with yourself, where do you land on the emotions chart?

Can you sit with that feeling for a minute? Maybe wrap your arm around it for a moment. Invite it fully into the room with you, whoever it is: resentment, joy, grief, anxiety, welcome that feeling. Hello, old friend!

Instead of rushing her out or pretending they’re not there, maybe take this to the next level and thank that emotion.

Here are some of the emotions I’m thanking and learning from right now:

Thank you, Resentment, for teaching me that I’m disconnected from something I need. I need to reflect on what need I’m not getting met and meet it myself or kindly ask someone who loves me for help.

Thank you, Joy, for teaching me that I’m alive and I’m allowed to savor the present moment. Thank you for teaching me that I can accept and enjoy the good things in my life.

Thank you, Grief, for teaching me that I really care about someone and that I’ll always miss and ache for them. I’ll always have love for them that I won’t quite know what to do with.

What emotions are in the room with you today?

Whatever you are feeling, all of your emotions are okay. Actually, they can all be really great teachers if you get quiet and still and patient enough to learn from them.

Keep being brave and inviting emotion into the room with you. I’m so curious to see who shows up with you!

Better EQuipped Together, Elizabeth elizabeth@appliedeqgroup.com

Elizabeth graduated with a B.A. and M.A. in English from the University of Central Arkansas. She taught English for a decade and got to read and write alongside kids in 7th, 8th, 10th, 11th, and 12th grade. The Applied EQ Group played an important role in her own personal EQ Intervention, and she is grateful to be able to spread the love and EQuip, empower, and encourage others. :)

Want to EQuip your school?

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