Do I have permission to say "no" at work?

Dear EQuipped Leaders,

How are you? I’m thinking about you and wondering how your start to the school year is going. What does this year feel like for you? What are your hopes and dreams for this school year?

Also, how are you going to set healthy boundaries with work to protect your wellbeing and avoid burnout? :)

While revisiting your values and boundaries with work is important for everyone, this post is especially for any of you who scored high on “agreeableness” on the EASEL. Your “agreeableness” is a beautiful part of you that I don’t want you to change. AND I want you to feel empowered to EQuip your boundaries, so people don’t take unfair advantage of this part of your personality.

I want to offer you something today that was offered to me late in my teaching career: a permission slip to say “no” to something and set a healthy boundary at work. Your homework for me this week is to do just that: to say “no” to something, to let someone else down, to disappoint someone.

I want you to try this experiment now because I think it’s important to practice doing this at the start of the school year, so you know what it feels like and so you experience firsthand that the world does indeed keep on turning even when you let someone down.

So if no one has ever told you before: You don’t have to say “yes” to everything at work to be valuable or a team player. In fact, if you do keep saying “yes” to all that is asked of you without conscious discernment around your own values and wellbeing, you will burn out hard and fast. I wish I had been given this permission sooner.

I got my boundary setting permission slip pretty late in my teaching career from an admin, a division head I learned a lot from. He was the first leader to ever teach me how to set a healthy boundary as a teacher. I naturally tend towards being more anxious and people pleasing, and that sometimes made me a doormat as a teacher. I’ll never forget panicking when I got a disgruntled email from a parent and trying to respond immediately to avoid the discomfort. This admin picked up my anxiety instantly and reassured me, “You don’t have to respond to this parent right now. Take a day and think about it. Get back to her tomorrow.” It was wise and much needed advice. Instead of reacting, I was able to compose myself and respond assertively and kindly to this bulldozer parent the next day. It was a powerful lesson for me. This leader made me feel like I was worthwhile as a teacher and empowered me to take some space so I could communicate effectively instead of reactively.

This lesson in boundary setting saved me so much unnecessary struggle in my interactions with students, parents, and colleagues moving forward. And what I really needed was both the permission AND a concrete example of what it looks like to set a boundary.

I thought setting boundaries sounded mean and harsh. I didn’t realize it was a basic foundation for self-worth and wellbeing, necessitates for showing up as your best self in all arenas of life, including work.

I also didn’t realize that I was often saying “yes” unconsciously. When I responded to a parent’s evening or weekend email within 5 minutes from my phone, I was saying “Yes, it’s okay to expect me to be available to you even during times I’m supposed to be present with my family.” I was unintentionally training everyone to expect me to be at their beck and call 24/7.

A huge step for me was divorcing my work email from my personal email and removing my work email from my phone. I had no idea how often I was checking my email on my phone in order to regulate my own anxiety and how often this anxiety-filled email checking was peppering my personal time and pulling me away from my family. I wasn’t aware that I was making a choice to say “yes” to work all the time and often saying “no” to myself and my family without consciously owning that decision.

So for me, this looked like setting up my work life in a way that is better integrated with my personal life. It also meant deciding at the start of the school year exactly how many extra things I was willing to commit to, so I was prepared to say “yes” or “no” and not forced to make those hard decisions in the heat of the moment.

Where does this land for you?

What are your important yes’s and no’s for this year?
What activities at work do you want to go ahead and commit to making time for? What activities are you going to go ahead and decide are a definite “no” for you, so you don’t hesitate when you get asked?
What in your personal life do you want to make sure gets protected and how do you want to organize your work to make this happen?
If saying “no” is a real struggle for you, it might be helpful to ask: What is the cost of this “yes” and who is paying for it?

Better EQuipped Together, Elizabeth elizabeth@appliedeqgroup.com

Elizabeth graduated with a B.A. and M.A. in English from the University of Central Arkansas. She taught English for a decade and got to read and write alongside kids in 7th, 8th, 10th, 11th, and 12th grade. The Applied EQ Group played an important role in her own personal EQ Intervention, and she is grateful to be able to spread the love and EQuip, empower, and encourage others. :)

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