Do I get energized or drained by social interactions?

Dear EQuipped Leaders,

Hi! We made it through August. It’s September.

I’m tired. What are you feeling?

I’m rubbing my palms together to create a little heat and taking deep breaths. I’m just trying to show up. Even when it doesn’t feel like I have much to offer. My job is to show up and trust. So here I am. And here you are. Thank you for being here with me.

Because I’m dragging a bit today, I need a fun, juicy topic of discussion. So today I want to talk about something that has fascinated me for over a decade now: extroversion and introversion.

Do you know where your personality falls on the spectrum of extroversion and introversion? If so, well done increasing your self awareness. If not, bring us to your campus so we can help you know yourself better. One of my favorite trainings is watching teams of teachers talk about each other's personalities in our EASEL training.

If you don’t know where you fall, a quick test is asking yourself: “Where do I get my energy?” Am I fueled by lots of social interaction or do I crave solitude?

In general, extroverts get energy from other people and introverts get energy from being on their own.

It’s not hard to see how this difference could cause a lot of conflict between people:

“Why don’t you want to spend more time with me?”

“You’re sucking the life out of me!”

Neither way of being is wrong, but an inability to be aware of and communicate your own specific needs can cause a lot of unnecessary conflict.

I believe one of the silliest parts of being human is how much we all need each other and how much we all annoy each other.

I’m acutely aware of this because I have a one-year-old and watching her interact with the world is teaching me a lot about personality. The beautiful thing about watching babies interact is first and foremost it’s just adorable. Secondly, it’s mostly nonverbal. Thirdly, babies don’t know how to be polite yet so they don’t lie about what they actually want and need like adults do.

This weekend, I got to see an interaction play out with my daughter and another one-year-old, and it was hilarious. We were staying the weekend with some friends whose daughter is a couple days older than ours. When we arrived at our airbnb, we set the babies down on the floor and watched the hilarity that is human interaction ensue.

My daughter was literally shaking with excitement to meet a new baby friend. She was smiling and cooing and crawling aggressively toward her new friend.

Our friend’s daughter was less excited to meet my daughter. She backed away cautiously and gave my daughter a look that said, “You’re a lot. And I’m going to need a minute.”

It’s so helpful and humbling to see yourself in your baby’s interactions. Because I can judge myself for being the way I am, but when I see the same personality trait play out in my daughter’s interaction, I have a lot more compassion.

Neither of these babies' way of being is wrong. My daughter’s extreme excitement and their daughter’s standoffishness is all fine. My daughter is a clear extrovert. Their daughter leans more introverted. Both want to connect but need different levels of time alone/together. Their needs are different.

All of our needs are different.

What I’m finding is when people know themselves and are self-aware, they know how to pay attention to what they’re feeling and interpret that information to get their needs met.

People who lack self-awareness pretend they’re not feeling any feelings and are disconnected from what they need.

If you grew up in an environment where emotions weren’t tolerated, you might be like me and feel like as you grow your emotional intelligence, you enter a new, magical existence that you didn’t have the map to get to before. A world where you are allowed to feel your feelings and get your needs met. A world where you are allowed to be yourself.

One of my favorite things to do for teachers in trainings is to normalize that it’s okay to have feelings, and needs, and personality differences. None of it is bad. None of it is irredeemable. We just got to get creative and like my kid’s favorite Daniel Tiger song teaches: “Find a way to play together.”

Do you want to be able to understand yourself and your team better?

This past year our team worked with an elementary school and supported them on multiple fronts. Two of our AEQ crew worked with their administrative team to help them understand and work with their personalities while I led a four-part series book club over The EQ Intervention for their faculty and staff. Supporting this school and tailoring our PD offerings to their specific needs throughout the school year, created lasting impact in their school culture. Would you benefit from this kind of EQ support for your school? Let’s find a way to play together!