Why doesn't this affirmation work for me?
Dear EQuipped Leaders,
How are you this morning? What all are you showing up with today? Whatever it is. We can work with it.
I’ve spent so much time trying to control how I show up. Trying to never let anyone down. Trying to always ensure I can perform. Trying to control things that I really don’t have much control over.
I’m slowly learning to trust myself more. Whatever I’m feeling. Whatever I’m dealing with. If I can show up and be present, I can use whatever I’m going through. I don’t have to push it down or pretend it’s not happening or overcome it.
I feel that today. My family and I just took a day trip yesterday. It was wonderful, and I am so worn out and groggy this morning. My first reaction is, “Oh no, but this is my blog writing time! How am I going to show up and perform?”
But then I remember that I don’t have to be more than I am anymore. I can show up as I am, and trust that I still have something valuable to offer. I don’t have to pretend to be more energetic or sparkle-y than I actually am. I can be real and still show up, trusting that present matters more than perfect.
Today, I want to talk (imperfectly) about something I’m experimenting with for my own self-awareness practice: affirmations.
How do you feel about affirmations?
Warm?
Uncomfortable?
Annoyed?
Curious?
I’ve started reading a children’s book of affirmations at night for my son. And like a lot of my EQ journey, I realize as I try to do things for my kids that I first need to do them for myself.
And if I’m being totally honest, affirmations still make me pretty uncomfortable. The idea of saying kind things about myself to myself feels off limits. Like doing so would be narcissistic, self-aggrandizing, selfish.
But then I look at my kids and see how they respond to words. I see how my curt words drain them and according to my son, “empty his bucket.” I see how my kind words buoy them and fill their buckets.
I also recognize that my words only have power if I’m being authentic. I can’t be cruel to myself and kind to my kids.
So I am working on how I talk to myself. I have spoken really, really cruelly to myself for a long time. My inner dialogue was a constant flow of criticism, judgment, and shame. I thought that was what I was supposed to do. I thought I was just being “hard on myself” and that’s what I was supposed to do to grow.
I didn’t know it was really unhealthy and that I was constantly emptying my own bucket.
So now I’m begrudgingly acknowledging that if I want to teach my children to be kind to themselves and fill their own buckets. I have to practice that myself.
I’m also realizing that just any old positive affirmation doesn’t work for me. I need specific affirmations that work with my own personality traits and struggles. My strengths and blindspots. And for me, the affirmations need to be true and realistic to work.
For example, on the EASEL, I lean more neurotic. On the EASEL we use the big 5 personality traits: OCEAN. And N is for Neuroticism. I don’t love the label for this aspect of personality. They’re supposed to be neutral terms, but I think “neurotic” is a pretty loaded term. Anyway…
Here are the strengths and struggles for those of you like me score higher on neuroticism:
So a question for my growth is:
So for me, affirmations need to affirm the strengths of this part of my personality and soothe my struggles.
For example: I am a sensitive person, and I can communicate kindly.
I used to think being sensitive was a bad thing, and now I know it’s one of my super powers. It also means I get my feelings hurt a lot. And while it’s okay to have hurt feelings, it’s not okay for me to use my hurt feelings to lash out at other people. Instead, I have to own that I’m hurt, tell people how I’m feeling, and communicate all of this kindly.
The “telling other people” and “communicating kindly” are the hard parts for me. My normal move would be to get my feelings hurt, not tell the other person, and slowly start to resent them until the relationship withers and dies. Or get my feelings hurt, blame the other person as “bad”, and try to hurt their feelings to “even the score.” Not great emotional intelligence.
I’m trying to get braver and kinder. Own my sensitivity and neuroticism and use all the EQ tools I have to make space for my true thoughts and feelings in a way that also honors those who I’m in a relationship with.
It is really hard, but it’s so much better than pretending I’m not sensitive and lying to myself and those I love.
Here are some other affirmations I’m playing with:
I’m sensitive, and my thoughts and feelings are worth communicating.
I get into my emotion quickly, and I can self regulate.
I feel deeply, and I can handle big feelings.
I am reactive, and I can respond well to needs.
I’m going to keep experimenting and try to be both real and kind to myself.
Where does this land for you?
What part of your personality could use some affirming and self-soothing?
Are there any affirmations that fill your bucket?
Do any of your students use affirmations as a self-regulation tool while at school?
Curious to explore personality with your school community?
We would love to EQuip your campus or district. Please reach out to us via email at info@appliedEQgroup.com.
Better EQuipped Together,
Elizabeth
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