How can we regulate ourselves?
Dear EQuipped Leaders,
I think my greatest obstacle to improving my own self-regulation has been (and continues to be) my fear of certain emotions.
I started my own EQ journey a year ago when I was still a full-time classroom teacher. I actually began reading The EQ Intervention during my ten-minute reading time with my students at the start of class. I remember sharing quotes from it with them and the lively class discussions that would follow. One of my students even pestered me to finish it faster, so she could borrow the book from me.
I went back to my copy today, and I had highlighted this passage from a section on “Managing My Emotions”:
“We often hear of emotion as being categorized as either good (e.g., happiness, joy, excitement) or bad (e.g., anger, frustration, confusion). I think we arrived at those descriptors because of the behaviors we often see when people do bad, harmful things, those behaviors are often fueled by anger, frustration, and confusion. The reality, though, is that emotions are neither good nor bad.”
I now know and believe that all emotions are amoral, neither good nor bad. I know it intellectually, but I’m having a hard time convincing my whole self that I’m actually allowed to feel all my feelings.
I’m also learning that I waste so much time and energy when I try not to feel certain emotions.
You can’t regulate what you’re not allowed to feel in the first place.
I feel this tension acutely right now because I’m pregnant. :) Something about carrying a growing human inside your own body can put one under pressure, pressure to feel and not feel certain emotions.
I have this idealized picture in my mind that a pregnant woman should be sitting serenely in a tranquil meadow as she calmly meditates and smiles and sighs, happily and peacefully. The word that comes to my mind is “placid.” I tell myself I should be placid like the still waters of a lake, unflappable and imperturbable.
Unfortunately, I’m very easily perturbed.
I know being pregnant doesn’t exempt me from feeling any of the “bad” emotions, but I do struggle with letting myself feel everything while pregnant.
I felt this as a teacher before. I had this idea of, “I can’t have feelings. I have too many students depending on me! I can’t even handle all of their emotions; how would I make space for my own?”
I also felt it when I became a mother the first time: “I can’t have feelings. What if it scares my son to see me feeling something other than happy. He depends on me for everything. I need to only feel the “good” emotions 100% of the time, so I don’t ever let him down!”
With my son, it took me a long time to realize how much he soaks up and feels without me ever expressing a thing. I’m sure it was the same with my students even though I lacked the awareness to see it.
I’m also learning that emotions aren’t scary. What’s scary is when we pretend we’re not feeling something that we are feeling.
If you’ve ever said or heard someone say “I’m fine” through gritted teeth, you will know this feeling. “You’re saying you’re fine, but you’re clearly not. Now I’m going to make up a story in my mind of what I think is really going on, which is likely much worse than the reality.”
When people can name what they’re feeling and express their needs to those around them, emotions aren’t scary. When we give language to what we’re feeling, it diffuses the tension.
I’m slowly learning that I can trust myself to feel my feelings and still show up for those who depend on me.
The 14 week-old baby that I’m carrying is feeling all of her/his feelings. And maybe instead of trying to achieve my unattainable placid lake state, I can feel all of my feelings too. And maybe my baby will feel that in my body and learn that we are okay even when we are feeling hard things. Maybe as I learn to feel and regulate my own emotions, my baby will learn that too. Maybe I can move beyond my “good” and “bad” emotion paradigm, slowly but surely.
Where does this land for you today?
Where are you on your own EQ Journey?
How were emotions handled in your family of origin? Were certain emotions seen as “good” and acceptable while others were labeled “bad” and unacceptable?
What emotions in others and in yourself make you the most uncomfortable?
Do you want to learn more about your own emotional world? You might enjoy reading The EQ Intervention. :)
Looking for more EQ support? Let us know what you need. We would love to connect with you.
Better EQuipped Together, Elizabeth Eason Martin
Email me at elizabeth@appliedeqgroup.com with any questions about how we can support your personal and professional development. :)
