Which way do you cross your arms?
Dear EQuipped Leaders,
I want to invite you to try something with me today. :)
Round 1: Please cross your arms in whatever way feels most natural to you.
Which arm is on top? How are your hands positioned? How do you feel with your arms crossed this way?
Once you’ve tried that and gotten a sense of how it feels, I want you to try something different.
Round 2: Please cross your arms the opposite direction, the way that does not feel most natural to you.
How does that feel?
Are you mad at me for asking you to cross your arms the “wrong” way?
Did you actually try it or did you stop when you knew it would be uncomfortable?
We do this exercise with large groups of teachers all gathered in school cafeterias and libraries, and I love watching how different groups react.
During Round 1, after asking people to cross their arms the way they prefer, we then ask them to walk around the room and observe how everyone else crosses their arms. The comments generally fall into a few main categories:
“You’re doing it wrong!”
“Hey, you’re just like me!”
“Am I the only one who crosses mine like this?”
The first round, there’s lots of energy in the room and teachers will generally engage.
Then in Round 2, when we ask them to cross their arms the opposite way, the entire room turns on us.
We ask the group to move around the room like Round 1; however, many teachers will just sit down and stop doing the activity altogether. The ones who do engage, will walk around begrudgingly, arms uncomfortably crossed and barely move or engage. When people talk during this round, the comments are more like this:
“I hate this.”
“I don’t want to do this.”
“Why are you making us do this?”
Everywhere we go, the same reactions.
We use the exercise as a way to demonstrate why difference is so hard and to exaggerate how uncomfortable difference can feel in our bodies.
We discuss it in the context of engaging with people whose personalities differ from ours on the EASEL; however, it could really be applied to any kind of difference.
After doing and debriefing the exercise, we share this with the group:
“We’re biologically hardwired to fear difference.”
Everyone’s default is going to be an initial rejection of difference. But then we have a choice of what we want to do about that discomfort. We get to decide: “Is this person worth moving past my discomfort? Is connecting with or showing up for this person more important than my own comfort right now?”
I’m no expert at this. Just like in the arms crossing exercise with teachers, I still notice the same reactions in myself today. When I meet someone who is similar to me in some way, I immediately get excited: “You’re like me! I’m not alone. You get it!” It feels like crossing my arms the natural way.
Then when I face differences with others, I have those same negative reactions: “Oh, you're one of those people. You don’t get me. Why can’t people be more like me and learn to cross their arms the “right” way?!”
Now that I’m becoming more aware of my knee-jerk reactions, I’m actually starting to enjoy interacting with people who are different from me–people who disagree with me, even about vitally important things. This change feels like progress to me, and it also makes me curious and excited to interact with more people instead of scared and defensive.
What could I learn if I stopped judging everyone else against what I find most comfortable? What if I trust myself to uphold my values in the face of difference while still being able to honor people who are different from me?
Feels like a stretch! But also feels exciting to me.
Where does this land for you today?
How does your body react to difference?
When in your day do you feel like you have to cross your arms the “wrong” way to show up for students or colleagues who aren’t like you?
Do you want us to visit your school to EQuip your teachers and leaders? We would love to connect with you.
Better EQuipped Together, Elizabeth Eason Martin
Email me at elizabeth@appliedeqgroup.com with any questions about how we can support your personal and professional development. :)
