Is it okay to cry in front of a kid?

Dear EQuipped Leaders,

How are you this post-thanksgiving Sunday?

What are the holidays like for you?

What are you feeling?

I’m feeling a lot of feelings, and it makes me uncomfortable. Because I want to be sturdy, together, dependable.

When I can’t be those things and instead need to cry and be quiet and be still, I don’t know how to interact with other people.

I’m trying to practice the same thing we teach our kids to do in our curriculum to respond to my own big feelings:

So all of that is wonderful, and I think I’m getting better at practicing STaR for my own emotions. But what about the times when I’m in the middle of processing and I’m doing that in front of a kid?

Is it actually okay to cry in front of a kid? To show an emotion before I’ve had a chance to regulate it?

I cried in front of my son recently while telling my husband about some difficult news I’d just received. I’d received the news via text while doing a grocery pick up. I was fine in that moment, but when I got home, I started unloading groceries and realized I’d accidentally ordered four bunches of bananas on the app instead of just four bananas like I’d intended. The absurd number of banana bunches sent me over the edge and I couldn’t avoid my feelings any longer. Normally, I would stay in the car to cry or immediately go in the back bedroom so no one saw. But this time, I just told my family what was happening through my tears.

My son immediately ran over to offer me a hug.

I told him I was okay, just sad, and that adults get sad sometimes too. I told him I was taking good care of myself and I was asking other grown ups for support, so he didn’t need to worry about me.

He goes, “Okay!” and happily started playing again.

He was okay with my tears. He trusted me to take care of myself and feel and regulate my feelings. He was fine.

I was the one who felt uncomfortable. My instinct is to hide my tears from kids–my own children and students. To cry in the bathroom and then “suck it up” and “get it together” before seeing anyone else. To hide and lie about what’s happening inside me.

There are people depending on me, so I have to be okay…all of the time…no matter what.

But that’s not possible. That’s not human. Sometimes I break and need help. I’m learning that is actually okay. Now that I’m being honest, I can ask for help from my support network. Shockingly, they are happy to help me, and we deepen our connection when I’m honest about how I’m struggling. This blows my mind. I still expect to get scolded for my tears.

Now that I’ve confessed to myself and my circle that I’m a flawed human being who cries sometimes, I’m so much healthier. I’m messier but healthier.

I keep going to the doctor and finding out that problems I’ve had for years are suddenly clearing up all on their own without any medical intervention. I can’t help but wonder how much letting myself feel my feelings has to do with that. What was happening in my body every time I “sucked it up” and lied to myself and everyone else about how much I was really hurting?

So I’m going to keep crying in front of people, even my kids sometimes. I don’t want to express my emotions irresponsibly, but I am going to keep expressing them. Even though it makes me super duper uncomfortable!

Where does this land for you today?

Is there an emotion you feel uncomfortable expressing?

How do you express emotion responsibly in front of the kids in your life? Or if you screw up and take your emotions out on those kids, how do you repair your relationship with them afterwards?

Better EQuipped Together, Elizabeth elizabeth@appliedeqgroup.com