What am I projecting onto other people?

Dear EQuipped Leaders,

How are you? What’s on your mind today? What’s on your heart?

I’m feeling my nerd excitement rising because today I get to write about one of my very favorite EQ learnings: projection.

I’m rereading The EQ Intervention for a faculty book club and this section on projecting stands out to me every time. It’s about Andrea, a teacher who comes to Adam for therapy. She loves helping students, but she is at a crossroads in her teaching career. Together, Andrea and Adam figure out what is causing Andrea to swim in negative emotions while she’s at work:

“Andrea came the next week, seeming even more determined this time.

‘I want to talk about relationships,’ she jumped in straight away. ‘Two in particular: the girl I co-teach with and my principal.”

‘Okay, great,” I said with a smile. I appreciated the energy in her voice. ‘Let’s start with your co-teacher. Tell me about her.’

‘Well, she tries to be sweet. She really does,’ Andrea explained. ‘But I’m so sick of her giving me advice when I don’t need it. She treats me the way my mother treats me, but she’s only three years older than me, and she’s only been teaching one year more than me.’

‘How do you feel when you’re around your mother?’ I asked.

‘I don’t know,” Andrea answered slowly. ‘I’ve never really thought about it.’

‘Take your time,” I reassured her.

‘She’s so condescending,’ she answered in a sudden burst of energy. ‘I feel condescended to, and it pisses me off. It’s like my mom refuses to let go of some twelve-year-old version of me. I think it’s so she’ll always feel she’s needed or something.’

Wow. Was there ever so much to unpack in that answer!

‘Okay, now tell me about your principal,’ I continued.

Andrea chuckled. ‘She’s like twenty or thirty years older than me, but she has no ability to set boundaries or confront people when they need to be confronted. It drives me crazy! I just want her to lead, for crying out loud, but she’s so concerned with being nice to everyone that I think she’s afraid she’s going to hurt their feelings. She reminds me of my sister!’

She laughed out loud, beginning to connect the dots. ‘Oh my god, my sister drives me crazy! She is such a people pleaser, and she ends up dating loser guys who treat her like crap because she can’t set boundaries and she has no self-respect.’

‘Okay,’ I responded, ‘but name a feeling.’

She paused for a moment. ‘Disgust. I feel disgust, and I have no respect for her.’

‘So,’ I summarized, ‘two of the adults that are most relevant to your day-to-day functioning remind you of people who make you feel condescended to and disgusted?

Andrea paused again. ‘You know, I hadn’t really thought of it that specifically, but yes. I feel like I spend a good part of my day swimming in those two feelings. Great. I come to therapy and discover that I’m working with my mother and sister.”

‘No wonder you want to leave,’ I offered with a half-smile. ‘I probably would, too. But I want you to know that you are doing incredibly noble work on your campus, and you don’t have to leave it just because of the way people make you feel. We can find ways to help you direct the emotions rather than repress them or carry them around inside you.’

This anecdote helped me tremendously. The year I read it for the first time, I was in my tenth year of teaching, and my school just hired a new administrator who pushed all of my buttons. It wasn’t until I went to therapy and confronted the question, “Who is this person in your childhood?” that I was able to connect the dots. for myself just like Andrea. This administrator, who was in a rage screaming at us in a faculty meeting while everyone sat quietly and took it, sent me right back to my own childhood. I was undone.

Now what’s complicated about projection is sorting out what bits of this are about my own childhood that I’m projecting onto this present moment? AND what about this present moment is also actually not okay and needs addressing?

For example, Andrea was likely spot on about her boss not being able to set boundaries and her coworking being a bit condescending. However, the problem is where these aspects of their personalities sent Andrea. She was dealing with more than the present moment. She was really wrestling with unresolved pain from her childhood. Once she realized the root of the issue, she could work on directing her emotion where she chose instead of reacting and feeling powerless to other people’s personalities.

For me, I also had to sort through my own stuff to figure out who I was really angry with from my past. It wasn’t just about this admin. It had much deeper roots. Once I did that, then I had to address the very real issues in the present circumstance. This administrator was toxic and needed to be held accountable for his inappropriate behavior. That was a whole journey in and of itself, but I couldn’t have arrived there without first addressing my own projections.

So, experiment time! I thought it might be fun to play with this idea of projection. Get curious, not furious with yourself and be honest about what feelings come when you think about who gets a rise out of you at work.

What recent email or interaction stirred up some big emotions in you?

When you think of a boss, coworker, parent, or student who you struggle to connect with, what specific feeling do they make you feel?

Who do they remind you of from your past? Who are they from your childhood? And how does that person from your past make you feel?

As we bounce back and forth from family gatherings to work during this holiday season, it might be the perfect time to connect some unconscious projecting dots. :)

Better EQuipped Together, Elizabeth elizabeth@appliedeqgroup.com