What if I get curious-er instead of furious-er? Part 2
Dear EQuipped Leaders,
This week, we’re continuing to explore how to get curious instead of furious. If you missed last week’s Part One Post, take a moment and catch up.
Here is something I see a lot with kids’ interactions with adults:
If a kid gets dysregulated and “throws a fit,” often an adult or authority figure will just get bigger and louder and through a scarier fit that intimates the kid into behaving.
Do you know what I’m talking about?
Have you seen this too?
Does it twist your stomach into knots? But someone says, “Well, that’s just the way it is.”
“This is how we’ve always done it.”
“It’s for their own good.”
But a part of you knows that it doesn’t feel right? It doesn’t sit well in your gut.
Anyone can lose it and blow up at a kid. Anyone can get loud and mean. Any adult can use their power to intimidate a kid into behaving. But at what cost?
I don’t want to be that kind of adult. Not anymore. Not now that I know better.
It takes a really strong and self-aware adult to instead get curious in the heat of the moment, to calm their own body down enough to get quiet, and crouch down at the kid’s level, and genuinely ask a kid what they’re feeling, and then be strong enough to handle the honest answer.
I want to become that kind of adult. I want that kind of strength. I want to be the kind of adult who can handle the truth of a kid’s experience, a kind of person who doesn’t back away from kids who are struggling, a person who is curious about what’s happening and doesn’t assume to know.
I also recognize I’m human, and I’m going to screw this up. Sometimes, I’m going to blow right past curious and go straight to furious. But in those moments, I hope I can take a deep breath, calm down, and then go back to that kid and apologize, “Hey, I messed up. I’m sorry. You were angry and instead of getting curious and working with you to find a solution together, I just took my anger out on you. That’s not okay. I’d like to try again.”
Because adults getting angry isn’t the problem. That’s unavoidable. We’re all going to get angry and screw up with kids. The problem is when we double down. If we stay rigid and locked into thinking we’re right to take out our anger on a kid, that’s when things get scary.
That’s what bothered me so much about the mini golf dad. Not that he messed up and blew up at his kid. That’s going to happen sometimes. What scared me is that he didn’t go back and repair the damage he’d done. He didn’t even realize he’d done anything wrong. What scared me is instead of spotting his error and apologizing to his daughter, he doubled down and bragged about how he bullied his own kid into compliance. Yikes. It also scared me because I really don’t believe that man is being the kind of dad he actually wants to be. I don’t think he realizes he’s acting outside his own values. I don’t think he’s conscious of how he’s taking out his own emotions on his children.
We’re all going to experience ruptures in our relationships. But if we can try to get curious instead of doubling down on being furious, we can repair those ruptures and grow and really go places together.
What if we stay soft and curious instead of hard and judgmental? What if we try it even just for one day or or one class period or with one kid? What might the impact be?
Better EQuipped Together,
Elizabeth elizabeth@appliedeqgroup.com
Elizabeth graduated with a B.A. and M.A. in English from the University of Central Arkansas. She taught English for a decade and got to read and write alongside kids in 7th, 8th, 10th, 11th, and 12th grade. The Applied EQ Group played an important role in her own personal EQ Intervention, and she is grateful to be able to spread the love and EQuip, empower, and encourage others. :)
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