Am I self-sabotaging?
I’m feeling fallish today and extra grateful to have this time and space with you.
How are you?
How’s school?
How are the kids in your care?
For me, October is one of the most stressful teaching months. I have grand plans each August:
This school year is going to be different. I’m going to get it together and keep it together. I’m going to stay on top of everything and be a magic superhero teacher goddess! With so much prep work done, this is going to be a breeze. I’ve thought of everything.
Inevitably by October, my grand plans reveal cracks. I feel the school year happening at a relentless pace, and I can’t keep up no matter how hard I push.
I meet this panic with more preventive managing and controlling: work harder, organize more, push harder until I make it work.
I once believed this was my best quality: my bull-headed drive towards achieving and improving. And there are good things about this aspect of myself. I appreciate how much it can get done–how hard it tries–how much it cares–how well it means.
I also now recognize that this aspect of my personality pushes people away from me.
:(
When I get in this mindset, I’m trying to do what I believe everyone else needs–to be who I think everyone needs me to be. It makes me ache a little bit to realize the irony: I’m longing for connection by pushing myself so hard, but it in pushing myself, I push others away. I unintentionally sever the connection I’m striving to maintain.
Instead of getting still for a moment,
And taking a slow breath,
And looking inward,
And making a little space for myself,
And getting curious about what’s going on in here,
I just barrel forward: Don’t look in. Don’t look back. Just keep going.
In my teaching career, this looks like my colleagues and administrators literally holding up their hands protectively in front of them as I talk at breakneck pace, unconsciously projecting my stress onto them.
I couldn’t see it then, but I can now recognize their protective body language in reaction to me. I was holding so much stress in my body that I couldn’t contain it all, and it was spilling out on the people around me without me realizing. You know that phrase, “Throw kindness like confetti.” I did that but instead of kindness I raced around my school unconsciously tossing around stress confetti everywhere I went.
I started developing some awareness around this part of myself when I kept being told the same phrase over and over: “Pump the breaks.” I didn’t understand why this was happening, but I could recognize that I was getting the exact same reaction from multiple people around me. So I started to put together that I might have a problem.
However, I didn’t have any tools to go inward and tend to this part of myself. So instead, I kept looking outward for solutions:
If I can create the perfect system for grading, get this new club approved, organize my schedule better, then I won’t feel stressed. Then I will have cracked the code. Then I will feel at peace.
I taught for 10 years, and I never cracked the code.
I still haven’t.
I keep switching between present and past tense in this post because I’m still learning how to honor and tend to this part of myself better. I’m starting to get curious instead of furious at her.
Why do you push me so hard?
Why do you stress me out and stress out the people around me?
What do you think will happen if I rest?
What do you need from me?
I have confidence in this part of myself. She protected me for a long time. She did really great work. Now that she doesn’t have to push me, what will she create? What is she capable of?
Where does this land for you?
Are you self-sabotaging?
Are you unconsciously pushing people away when you really mean to help them?
Are you curious about what’s happening within you and how that might be affecting the people around you? :)
It might be time to take the EASEL and take a look around in there.
I used to believe it was selfish and narcissistic to spend time exploring my own thoughts and feelings–that time was better spent accomplishing concrete tasks that directly served my students. I had no idea that by taking a little time to tend to my inner world, I could offer so much more. I still can’t believe how much I’m capable of when I care about what’s happening within me.
What’s happening within you? :)
Better EQuipped Together,
Elizabeth elizabeth@appliedeqgroup.com
Elizabeth graduated with a B.A. and M.A. in English from the University of Central Arkansas. She taught English for a decade and got to read and write alongside kids in 7th, 8th, 10th, 11th, and 12th grade. The Applied EQ Group played an important role in her own personal EQ Intervention, and she is grateful to be able to spread the love and EQuip, empower, and encourage others. :)
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