Can I handle healthy conflict?
Dear EQuipped Leaders,
How are you today?
Anyone else tired?
I’m taking a deep breath in through my nose and picturing the ocean tide sliding up onto the sand.
I’m breathing out through my mouth and seeing the water move back out to sea.
I feel better. Less burdened. More human. A little less worn out.
I’ve got to do some serious healthy breathing today because today we’re talking about conflict, and I don’t like conflict.
It makes my palms sweaty and my legs shaky and my breath short and shallow.
Conflict sucks.
I want to be accepted. I want people to like me. I want to help other people. I don’t want to make people mad. I don’t want to risk losing my connection by telling people the truth about my feelings.
I’ve coped with my fear of conflict by avoiding it, which turns out is NOT good for one’s relationships:
“Some harbor the misconception that a healthy relationship is characterized by the absence of conflict–-not true. In the same way the definition of physical well-being is not the absence of illness, but the body’s capacity to successfully resolve illness to health, the hallmark of a healthy relationship is not the absence of conflict but the relationship’s capacity to successfully resolve conflict in peace.”
-The EQ Intervention
I actually lived by this myth for a long time. I would hear people talk about how hard relationships were, and I didn’t understand. Relationships weren’t hard for me because I just changed myself to be whatever the other person wanted me to be and if they hurt my feelings, I just ignored it.
Turns out, that’s not healthy.
It results in illness, physical and physiological.
It results in resentment.
It results in shallow relationships.
So, I’m trying not to do that anymore. And it’s hard.
When I decide one of my relationships is worth engaging in conflict to heal whatever has broken between us, I feel like I’m in a canoe with the other person and we’re about to go over the edge of a steep waterfall. I don’t know if our canoe will hold up and if we’ll make it through together.
I’m also learning that the only relationships worth having are the ones that can handle some bumpy waters.
It’s scary though. And hard.
To engage in healthy conflict, you have to be so grown-up and mature and not passive-aggressive.
Hearing something not delightful about yourself or telling someone else something not delightful about them, does not feel good.
This is why I previously just ignored problems in my relationships. I didn’t have enough faith in other people to stick with me if I told them the truth of what I was feeling. I also didn’t believe I was worth the discomfort of conflict.
I don’t feel that way anymore. I have more faith in others to navigate hard things with me. I have more security that I’m worth navigating hard things for.
I’m learning to be honest while still trying to be calm and kind.
I’m learning that the relationships that aren’t sturdy enough to handle conflict are shallow and not worth trying to deepen. Or unhealthy and time to end.
The ones that can handle conflict are life game changers. These are the people who love me. The people I can trust. My Dream Team.
When you make it over that waterfall together and float in calm waters again, it’s such a good feeling. You can look over at the other person, knowing you made it through together. That you are safe and secure with this person even when things are hard.
Where does this land for you today?
How do you navigate conflict in your relationships?
How did the adults in your life growing up handle conflict?
Want to get better at navigating conflict at school and at home?
The EQ Intervention offers a conflict resolution roadmap to help support you if you’re like me and new to healthy conflict.
Even better than just reading it, you can do a book club with me over the book!!! I would love to come virtually or in person and practice these EQ skills with you and your faculty. Email me, and let's EQ nerd out together!
I’m glad you’re here.
Better EQuipped Together,
Elizabeth elizabeth@appliedeqgroup.com
Elizabeth graduated with a B.A. and M.A. in English from the University of Central Arkansas. She taught English for a decade and got to read and write alongside kids in 7th, 8th, 10th, 11th, and 12th grade. The Applied EQ Group played an important role in her own personal EQ Intervention, and she is grateful to be able to spread the love and EQuip, empower, and encourage others. :)
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