What do I do instead of feeling?

Dear EQuipped Leaders,

How are you feeling today?

Where are you on the emotions charts?

Our Elementary School Chart

And our Secondary School Chart

I’m asking you how you’re feeling today because I’m avoiding asking myself. That’s called projecting. Instead of examining myself, I’m telling you to reflect on your feelings. It’s such a wonderfully self-protective move! :)

What do you do when you’re avoiding your feelings?

When I’m not wanting to feel my feelings, another thing I do is clean. I’m noticing this protective tendency more and more.

I love cleaning and organizing. I especially love organizing. I use Marie Kondo-ing as a verb in my house. My husband knew I was overwhelmed in my third trimester of pregnancy when I kept stress buying the Home Edit storage containers. I was convinced I’d be ready for my daughter’s arrival once I found just the right storage solution.

And there is nothing wrong with tidying and organizing, except when I’m obsessively cleaning instead of checking in with myself. Part of my own EQ Intervention is learning that even “healthy” behaviors such as cleaning, working out, going above and beyond at work can be used destructively. Turns out, there are lots of ways to inhibit emotions. Even ways that look totally innocent from the outside.

Cleaning is one of my biggest go-tos for avoiding my feelings. I’ve started becoming more aware of this part of myself and realize now that worrying about cleaning my house takes up a huge percentage of my thoughts each day. And not actually cleaning, just worrying about cleaning.

Two weeks ago, I wrote about self-sabotage. I now recognize this cleaning part of me can be self-destructive. I feel it most when I’m scurrying around the house completing tasks, and my husband and son invite me to come play with them or come sit down and watch a movie with them. I sometimes physically cannot let myself stop accomplishing tasks and just be with my family. I have this false belief that if I get the house perfectly sparkly clean, then I will feel at peace. Then I can relax. Then I can be present with my family.

Of course that moment never arrives because part of being human is being imperfect. So this is such a smart way that my brain protects me. I convince myself that the problem is outside of me: it’s our messy house. That’s why I’m stressed. If I could just control my environment better, I could solve this problem. There’s no way our house will ever meet this magical standard of clean perfection that exists only in my mind, so boom, I’ve built a beautiful feelings-avoiding machine. I’ve created the perfect sisyphean task for myself.

This all came to a head a few weeks ago. I was unloading the dishwasher while my whole family was in the living room watching a movie. They called to me to come join them, but I kept just saying I would be there in a minute. I lied. I kept cleaning. As I rushed around my kitchen putting away dishes, I noticed my longing to go in there with them and leave this task for later. I wanted to join my family, rest, be with them. But I couldn’t let myself.

That’s a self-sabotaging moment. And it’s not loud or glaring in its destructiveness, but it’s also not allowing me to be the person I want to be.

I’m trying to be curious instead of furious at this part of me. It’s hard. But I know I came by this part really honestly. I think back to my childhood, and I can see key moments in my development when this protective part helped me navigate my circumstances, helped me win approval, helped distract myself, helped me gain a sense of control. I also recognize that I need to better tend to this young part of me that thinks my value lies in the tasks I accomplish for my family alone and not in my presence. I now know better.

So now it’s time to do better. I’m going to start experimenting with ways to honor this part of me and all it’s down to protect me, and also integrate it into who I want to be now.

Where does this land for you today?

How do the people in your life distract themselves from their feelings?

Is there a part of you that jumps into action when uncomfortable feelings arise? How do you want to tend to this part so it helps instead of hurts you?

Better EQuipped Together, Elizabeth elizabeth@appliedeqgroup.com