What does this kid need?

Dear EQuipped Leaders,

Hi!

What are the kids in your care needing more of right?

What are you needing more of right now?

One of the biggest reframes I’ve had about emotions is thinking about them in terms of needs instead of character defects.

I’m going to say that again because it’s taken me a long time to get here:

Emotions signal needs, not character defects.

When a kid is raging or crying or acting out, it’s really easy to see that kid as bad. The behavior is disruptive/inconvenient/bad, so the kid must be bad. But then if I slow down and start observing what a kid is feeling, that changes everything. This kid isn’t bad, this kid is struggling and is not EQuipped to ask for help. This kid needs something, and it’s my job as the adult to help this kid figure out what she’s feeling and what need that feeling signals. And then ask for it appropriately.

This is way easier said than done.

I couldn’t do this at all until recently, and I’m definitely still learning. I have to learn how to do this for myself before I can offer this level of compassion to others. And that’s problematic because I’ve spent my life and teaching career trying not to have needs, which means I’ve had a boatload of unmet needs that I’ve been unconsciously working out on the people around me.

You know that analogy that always gets tossed around regarding self care: Put your oxygen mask on before assisting others. I don’t think that analogy accurately represents my teaching experience. Because as a teacher, I wasn’t putting kids’ oxygen masks before mine, I was putting them on instead of mine.

I was so disconnected from my own needs that I had no idea how I was projecting onto the students in my care. And to make matters worse, I thought I was doing everyone a big favor, martyring myself for everyone else’s benefit.

I’m starting to notice this more in myself. Instead of avoiding feelings and needs that make me uncomfortable, I’m slowly learning that no feeling is going to overwhelm me. I can handle them, even the ones that really scare me.

However, it’s taking me a while to get to those needs and deeper feelings because I have so many protective feelings that stand in my way. The biggest one that I’m noticing most often is resentment.

I’m learning that when I feel resentment, I need something and I’m blaming someone else. The resentment is a signal to me that I’m disconnected from what I need. And instead of reflecting and being vulnerable and asking for what I need, I’m just taking my emotion out on someone else, usually my husband.

For me right now my need under the resentment is fun and play.

I thought for a long time that fun and play weren’t for me:

I’m here to work hard and clean up and do all the important things that have to get done so everyone else can have fun. You’re welcome, world. I’m not having any fun!

Turns out, this attitude made me tidbit self-righteous and super duper resentful. Because everyone needs fun and play. Everyone.

And the more I take time to build fun and play into my life and ask my Dream Team to help me, the less resentful I get. And, ironically, the more I have to give those in my care! It’s so counter-intuitive to me that something as heavy as resentment could be pointing me towards something as light as fun. I don’t need to work or push harder. I need to play. I need to learn how to have fun. I need to be alive and stop denying myself and blaming others.

So that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to meet this need in a safe way that honors my values and who I want to be. I’m going to kindly ask for what I need even thought it feels vulnerable and a little scary for me. What about you?

Where does this land for you today?

Are the kids in your care displaying protective emotions? What need do you think is under their anger, or apathy, or sadness?

Are you feeling any protective feelings like me and resentment? What do you need more of right now? Is there anyone on your Dream Team you could ask to help you?

Better EQuipped Together, Elizabeth elizabeth@appliedeqgroup.com