Do I have a legit support network?

Dear EQuipped Leaders,

Hiiiiii! How’s your new year going? Crushing it? Being crushed by it? Something totally different? Whatever is going on within you today, all of your feelings are okay.

I find this is a difficult time of year for my emotional health.

I have times when I feel so secure and on top of the world, like a brilliant EQ goddess. These moments are obviously short lived and slightly delusional, but man do they feel good.

And I have other times where I feel very wobbly and unsure of myself, like an extra human-y human. In these moments I connect with my middle school aged self, so self-conscious, so desperate for social approval, so full of desire and insecurity.

I actually loved teaching middle school. 7th grade especially was my favorite. So many people balk at the idea of interacting with middle schoolers. I guess because most people are fleeing their awkward middle school selves. But I loved those middle schoolers. They had so much sweetness and honesty still. They hadn’t learned to hide the weird parts of themselves to gain social approval yet, and they still seemed open, not assembling the armor they’d need to survive adolescence.

So I’m going to wrap my arm around that wobbly, middle school part of me today. The one who lugged her alto saxophone case, massive backpack, and giant binder onto the school bus each day. Trying so hard, wanting so much, and so unaware of all her unmet needs.

If I could go back and be a fairy god mother to my past self, the one thing I would make sure middle school me had is something I’ve only recently built for my adult self: a Dream Team.

The idea is that you have people in your support network who can handle being these roles for you:

My Caregiver, who will always nurture me, is…

My Sage, who will offer me guidance, is…

My Hero, who will always demand greatness from me, is…

My Everyman, with whom I will always feel connected and comfortable, is…

Are you getting these needs met? Do you have a Dream Team of your own, a legitimate support network to fall back on? I’m talking about people who you can show your most shadowy shadow self to. People who are strong enough to handle your vulnerability.

If you don’t, you’re not alone.

When I started working with Applied EQ and first learned about this concept, I was furious. I did NOT have this kind of support in my life. I had people who could handle me perfecting, performing, and suppressing my true feelings. People who would let me play these roles for them. I was actually constantly surrounded by people, but I felt so alone because I didn’t know how to show up honestly with myself and with other people. I kept everyone else around me at arms length in fear that they would see the real me and leave.

The more I’ve learned to nurture myself and serve as my own dream team, the more I attract people who want to know the real me. The more I let myself be complex and messy, the more I get to have rich, honest relationships. When I was trying to perfect, I flattened myself. Perfect is boring and guarded and fake. It puts a wall up, a barrier of denial and judgment.

Now that I can handle being more and more honest with myself and my support network, I feel such a sigh of relief. It’s okay for me to be wobbly and unsure. It’s okay for me to lean on people and ask them for help. It’s okay. I’m okay even when I’m not because I have people who will catch me. People who will love me at my worst.

This feels revolutionary to me. And even though it’s taken me into my 30’s to get here, I’m so grateful I didn’t go through life alone. I’m proud of myself for finally getting on my own team and recruiting others to join me.

No one can do this alone. Everyone needs a dream team.

I honor people when I tell them what I need and ask them to show up for me. It doesn’t make me weak or needy. Knowing what I need and asking kindly for it, actually makes me incredibly strong and brave.

What if my little middle school self had a dream team? I can think back now to friends who tried to be this for me, but I pushed them away. What if I had learned that it is okay to want and have a close inner circle of trusted friends? That it’s okay to let trustworthy people into your world.

What if we taught kids how to connect with others? What if all students and teachers had their own dream team? What would school feel like? What would life feel like?

Could your school use a Dream Team? Please reach out to us via email at info@appliedEQgroup.com and tell us what you, your team, and your students need. You don’t have to go it alone.

Better EQuipped Together, Elizabeth Eason Martin