How do I let myself feel difficult feelings?
Dear EQuipped Leaders,
I like to control things.
I get really excited about things like beautiful storage containers, coordinated calendars, and structured to-do lists.
If you scored high on conscientiousness, you might be thinking: “Of course, who doesn’t? All those things are wonderful.”
If you scored low on conscientiousness, you might be thinking: “Oh, you’re one of those people.”
Yeah, I am one of those people. Big time.
If I could improve my emotional intelligence by controlling instead of feeling, I would be the king of emotional intelligence!
Unfortunately, that’s not how being a human works.
I have to feel my own feelings and be honest about them with myself and others.
This is a bummer because I would be much more comfortable obsessively controlling myself and everyone around me instead of acknowledging my true feelings.
But the only way out is through! I’m learning all of my emotions, even the seriously unpopular ones, have yet to take me down. I can feel them, all of them, and the world keeps on spinning. I’m ultimately okay. I’m still here–breathing, living, learning.
I’m also learning that people are more annoyed by my desire to control than they are by my feelings. It turns out that other people don’t like it when I try to control them. Who knew?!?
But when I’m honest about my feelings and communicate them effectively to others, I’m more likely to get the empathy and connection I need. I don’t have to control everything. I can invite instead.
Invite emotion.
Invite the people in my life into a deeper connection.
Invite the life I want to live.
By trying to get my needs met without asking people in my life what they’re willing and not willing to offer me, I’m controlling. If I just take and don’t ask, I don’t have to face rejection or face myself.
By acknowledging my true (and often embarrassing) feelings and effectively communicating what I need, I’m learning to feel and to love.
It’s terrifying and beautiful.
I’m growing my EQ, slowly but surely.
For me, what helps the most with feeling difficult feelings is language. I’m first and foremost a word nerd, and words continue to keep me afloat on my EQ journey. Hence my refrigerator, covered in emotion charts and lists of human needs:
To me, the most beautiful storage container of all is a word–a word that helps me understand what I’m feeling and share it with the people around me.
I wonder if you might enjoy some words to assist you on your EQ journey too.
We have two Emotion Charts that we use in our EQuipped Classroom, and I want to share both of them with you today.
The Elementary Chart:
And the Secondary Chart:
I hope they help you better EQuip your classrooms, offices, homes, and empower you to feel all your feelings!
Now that I’ve written about my feelings, I’m going to go organize my son’s toys in my fancy new storage containers because I’m pregnant and nesting, and it’s okay to control some things! It actually feels like a healthy way to honor and channel my high conscientiousness without taking it out on the people around me. :)
Where does this land for you today?
How confident are you at labeling your own emotions and needs?
Have you ever struggled to communicate how you’re feeling? You’re not alone!
How were emotions discussed when you were growing up?
Are you ready to invite and instruct emotion at your school? We can EQuip you! Let’s connect.
Better EQuipped Together, Elizabeth Eason Martin
Email me at elizabeth@appliedeqgroup.com with any questions about how we can support your personal and professional development. :)
