Am I a Life Giver or a Life Sucker?
Dear EQuipped Leaders,
One of the frameworks explored in The EQ Intervention is Life Givers v. Life Suckers among educators.
Life Givers have something to offer and leave you feeling empowered and energized. These people are emotionally intelligent and have a Dream Team of their own. They know how to get their emotional needs met, so they have something to offer others.
Life Suckers have something to take and leave you feeling drained and unmotivated. These people are often lacking in emotional intelligence and likely don’t have a Dream Team of their own. Their emotional needs are NOT being met, so they walk around (unconsciously) sucking the life out of everyone around them.
I can see this in myself as I look back over my teaching career:
I wanted to help students share their stories because I needed to own and tell my story. I needed to be heard.
I wanted to help students learn more about their emotional regulation because I needed to learn how to regulate my own emotions.
I wanted to help students see themselves as writers because I needed to see myself as a writer, a person whose thoughts and feelings were worthy of attention.
I was projecting all of my own unmet needs onto my students, unconsciously. And while I was very busy running around “helping” everyone else, I can only imagine how often I was a Life Sucker to other people without even realizing it.
I was all gas, no breaks, all of the time.
I remember, multiple times, administrators of mine asking me “to pump the brakes.”
I could not comprehend this:
Pump the brakes? What are you talking about? I’m selflessly giving everything I’ve got to help all my students and colleagues. I’m doing you and everyone else a favor by working this obsessively. You’re welcome!
Yikes.
I thought I was helping by suppressing my own needs and tending to everyone else’s. I had no idea I was too unrested and unconscious to be a Life Giving presence for the students and colleagues depending on me.
I want to be Life Giving to others. I want to have something to offer.
So now I know, I have to figure out what my own needs are and make sure I get those needs met before I can ever help anyone else. It reminds me of the proverb “Beware the naked person who offers you a shirt.”
In The EQ Intervention, Adam puts it this way:
“I have become a firm believer that the best academic or behavioral intervention for every student is an adult living a life characterized by physical well-being and emotional intelligence.”
What if instead of focusing on what we’re doing to help others, we focus on who we’re being for those depending on us?
Where does this land for you today?
Who do you think of as Life Givers and Life Suckers among your colleagues? How do they approach emotional intelligence?
What do you try to help others with most? Could this be tied to an unmet need in your own life?
If you’re ready to level up your emotional intelligence, you might enjoy The EQ Intervention.
It will support you with Emotional Intelligence tools grounded in research and applied to education.
Looking for more EQ support? Let us know what you need. We would love to connect with you.
Better EQuipped Together, Elizabeth Eason Martin
Email me at elizabeth@appliedeqgroup.com with any questions about how we can support your personal and professional development. :)
