"Is my normal also healthy?"

Dear EQuipped Leaders,

What are you feeling this morning?

I recently realized that I often start these letters to you by asking you this same question. However, when speaking to my own family, I usually ask them instead:

“What are you thinking?”

Or

“How are you feeling?”

I’m trying to be more conscious of asking my family and friends what they’re feeling and actually making space for whatever their answer is. It feels very vulnerable. And hard. And unnatural for me.

Which leads perfectly into what I want to talk about today: Normal vs. Healthy

“...healthy interpersonal interaction may not feel natural or intuitive. In fact, what we may assume is quite normal actually may be unhealthy.”

— Relationships That Work

This has been true for me. I was so used to unhealthy relationships, that behavior that seems absurd to me now, felt totally normal at one time.

I thought if I worked hard enough and did all the emotional work, that I could make any relationship work. I could force it. I could carry it all. I could make it work.

Unfortunately, that is not healthy. But it was my normal for a really long time.

I was so terrified of conflict and of being rejected, that I would do almost anything to keep my relationships afloat.

“The healthy relationship begins with the premise that the other person is a good person who makes mistakes.”

— Relationships that Work

I would add that a healthy relationship also begins with the premise that I am a good person who makes mistakes.

I didn’t believe that. I didn’t believe and feel in my bones that I was a good person. I actually felt the opposite: I’m bad. I don’t deserve to have relationships. I am the problem. So anytime conflict arose, I would take all the blame. That also made me feel in control because as long as I took all the blame, I could control whether the relationship could return to harmony. But it wasn’t real harmony. It left my body feeling really sick and shaky and nervous. I tried to hold all the tension of unhealthy relationships in my body so the other person wouldn’t see.

I, of course, had no idea I was doing this consciously. This was just how I operated: take it.

Turns out, that’s not healthy! It made me sick and drained the life out of me. I would leave these interactions feeling like I’d just been thrown down a flight of stairs and not understanding why. I would try to explain this feeling away:

I’m just being too sensitive. They didn’t mean that really cruel thing they said. I’ll just work harder to figure out how to make things work next time.

I’m only just now beginning to understand the toll this was taking on me emotionally and physically.

I’m also learning how quickly I reach for these unhealthy patterns myself, especially in conflict.

“In conflict, then, the starting point is curiosity–not judgment or fear.”

— Relationships that Work

This is SO new for me and feels totally counter to my old normal. My old model is either:

I’m bad and you’re good, so you can treat me badly.

OR I’m good and you’re bad, so I can treat you badly.

I actually have to say this out loud during conflict: “I’m a good person, and you’re a good person, and we can figure this out together.”

The more I say it, the more I’m starting to believe it. The more I navigate conflict and boundaries and authentic thoughts and feelings in my relationships, the more healthy is starting to feel normal. I believe I deserve to be treated well. I want to be held accountable for treating others well.

You’re a good person. The people around you are good people. But you may be in some unhealthy relationships. If so, you are not alone. One reason I clung to my unhealthy patterns for so long is I knew once I stepped into my relationships authentically: told the truth about what I was thinking and feeling and asked for boundaries and changes, I knew those relationships wouldn’t make it.

Owning that I am a good person who deserves to be treated with respect has been one of the hardest and most meaningful shifts in my life. A lot of my relationships did not survive my newfound self-worth. I’m still grieving those losses. I’m also so proud of myself for choosing to honor myself and seeking relationships where both of us get honored and treated well.

Where does this land for you?

What feels “normal” in a relationship but might actually be “unhealthy” when you think about how it makes you feel?
Have you ever tried an experiment in one of your relationships? Try to be honest about how you feel or set a boundary. The other person’s reaction will be very telling about the health of the relationship.
Are you like me and wasting time figuring out who the villain is? Instead, what if you try operating from the premise that both of you are good and see if the other person is willing to work on the relationship with you.

Better EQuipped Together, Elizabeth