Who am I ignoring?

Dear EQuipped Leaders,

Hi! :) What all are you feeling today? What do you have going on in your world?

What’s a high for you right now?

What’s a low for you right now?

When emotions rise up in you and/or those around you, which one of these is your go-to move:

Do you opt for denial and ignore? Maybe this feeling will just go away on its own.

Do you inhibit? Maybe I can shut this feeling down.

Do you invalidate? This feeling shouldn’t even be happening. How could I feel this?

Do you invite it? Hi, feeling, I see you. You can be here.

Do you learn from it? Hi, feeling. Thank you for being here and giving me important information about myself. I now know what I need.

How does this go within you? How does it go for you when you’re teaching or caring for kids?

Today, I want to focus on the first one: ignoring emotion.

I don’t think there are any words that could sum up the power of ignoring or being ignored better than this short video clip of the “still face experiment.”

This video blows my mind every time I watch it. When I show it in schools, there’s this really beautifully uncomfortable and sacred silence that falls over the room:

Whoa. This is important.

Something about stripping away all the words around emotions and just watching that baby lose her mind when she cannot get her mom’s emotional attention makes the power of emotional connection so clear. The mom is there, physically present, and even looking at her baby, but she is not engaging, not emotionally available for the baby. And that baby looks so terrified and like she is in physical pain. Her upset is so immediate and obvious. It’s so clear she needs her mom’s emotional attention back.

That baby isn’t “needy” or misbehaving. She’s a human being who needs, like all of us, emotional connection.

I think of the power and pain of ignoring those around me, especially those who are emotionally dependent on me. I also am becoming more aware of the power and pain of ignoring myself.

I keep paying more attention to how my physical body responds to interactions that I wasn’t even aware were upsetting me. When I was going to the doctor often for checkups during my pregnancy, I got even better insight into this. I don’t often check my own blood pressure but that’s a routine part of these checkups, and I noticed one day an unusual spike in my blood pressure right after I received a text. I didn’t know that text upset me until I watched my body react to it.

But it was a powerful shift for me to witness my body react to something that I did not think was a big deal. My body clearly did not agree.

Body awareness is something I’m trying to grow. They’re called feelings for a reason. I’ve ignored my body’s messages for so long that it’s been hard work for me to start noticing and believing my body again.

I don’t want to ignore my body’s message anymore. I don’t want to ignore my feelings. I don’t want to ignore the feelings for those around me.

Right before I came here to write, I was bustling around the house trying to get my stuff together, and my son goes: “Mom, you’re accidentally ignoring me.”

It made me so happy. He knew he needed my attention, and he asked for it in a way that honored himself and me.

I stopped, knelt down, and gave him my attention. It took 30 more seconds, but I trust it made a difference. It made me really proud of him and really proud of me. :)

Where does this land for you?

When is a moment someone ignored you? How did it feel?
When is a moment someone showed up and was present with you? How did it feel?
Who do you want to honor with your attention?
Who’s attention do you need? Your own? Someone else’s? It’s okay to need attention and connection and ask kindly for it.
Better EQuipped Together, Elizabeth