What is the space between your emotions and mine?

Jun 25

Written By

Dear EQuipped Leaders,

What are you feeling?

What’s your breathing like?

Hi!

Today I want to talk about space. The space between my emotions and your emotions. Let’s get into it!

Let’s

take

some

SPACE!!!

A huge part of my own EQ Intervention has been building more space within myself. I needed to grow my self-awareness and self-regulation before I could grow my emotional intelligence.

For me, this meant I had to start building space between my needs and emotions and the needs and emotions of other people around me. I had to learn to differentiate, which has been a years-long process for me. I didn’t realize it, but I couldn’t see myself and my own feelings and needs as separate from other people’s. This was all totally unconscious.

I recognized this shift within myself the other day when I accidentally went at a four-way stop when another driver had the right-of-way. She was furious, waving her arms and clearly yelling. I waved and mouthed, “Sorry!” Then to myself, I go: “Whoops, I messed up and that driver is really mad.” But I didn’t feel her upset for her. I didn’t go into shame. I didn’t even feel dysregulated.

This is so HUGE for me. Before doing all this emotional work, I would have felt so furious with myself for making this small driving mistake and upsetting this stranger. My face would have gotten really hot, my stomach would twist into knots, and my spine would collapse down in shame. I would have berated myself for messing up and called myself cruel names. It would have taken me a good chunk of time to stop shaking. And I would have ruminated on my mistake endlessly.

But this interaction bounced right off me. I’m a human, I make mistakes. I see you're mad, and I get that. I did mess up. I am over here having my experience. You are over there having your experience. You are free to feel your feelings. And I am free to feel my feelings. The interaction didn’t suck the life out of me like it would have previously. I wasn’t going around assuming I know what others are feeling and then feeling it for them. It was such an exhausting, painful, and ultimately ineffective way to interact with the world. Turns out, feeling for other people is not healthy or helpful. The only feelings I can truly feel are my own. The only feelings I can regulate are my own. I can empathize with others by finding compassion for myself and extending it to those around me. But I can’t feel for other people. That was never helping anyone.

I didn’t know it was okay to have a self separate from other people. I didn’t know that I had taken the idea of selflessness to an unhealthy level. Because the reality is, my self has been here all along. I just wasn’t self-aware and was letting all my feelings come out sideways in unhealthy ways because I wasn’t tending to them. I was so focused on other people and things I couldn’t control, that I was asleep at the wheel of my own life. It felt so good to stay behind the wheel of my own car and not get hooked into the upset of this other driver.

I needed to learn to take up space, go within, and listen to my feelings to learn what I needed and what I valued. Who do I want to be? How do I want to show up for myself and those depending on me? Who am I beyond what other people need and expect of me?

I just needed a little space for myself. I now know it’s okay to want some space for myself. Having a self and taking good care of it is not selfishness. It’s actually the healthiest thing I can do for those depending on me and the only thing I can really control.

Where does this land for you?

What could you use a little bit more of today?
What kind of space have you built within yourself as an internal resource?
How do you protect yourself from burnout by setting boundaries between your emotions and the emotions of those around you at your school?
Are you wanting to build more space for yourself and your emotions? We can help. Learning to manage your stress response would be a beautiful place to begin.
Let’s get started! Please reach out to us via email at info@appliedEQgroup.com.
Better EQuipped Together, Elizabeth