Can I forgive like a first grader?

Dear EQuipped Leaders,

Have you ever forgiven anyone before?

Like, for real.

I’m practicing forgiveness for the first time in my life now.

I’m 35, so what that means for me is I’ve been carrying around a lot of emotional burdens that I’ve gotten too tired and joyful to hold onto anymore. I’m learning to forgive for my own wellbeing. And I had no idea how much I needed to learn how to forgive and how freeing it would be to learn how to do this.

I’m also hoping if I can start learning this skill now, my children will be less burdened than I have been. I’m hoping they won’t have a lifelong backlog of unforgiveness to work through.

I have a lifelong backlog of unforgiveness I’m working through. :/

So please travel back to first grade with me, and let’s strengthen our capacity for forgiveness!

Before I dive in, I just want to acknowledge how uncomfortable forgiveness makes me. And how much I want to cuss and roll my eyes everytime I try to talk about genuinely. Because forgiveness is hard. It is not for the emotionally ill-equipped. It is not for the faint hearted. It is not for the self-UNaware. Forgiveness takes a kind of strength and softness and bigger person-ness that feels very next level to me and pretty rare. Touting forgiveness can sound trite, so just please know forgiving people who have caused you harm is serious and I don’t take the harm that was caused you lightly.

Okay, now back to first grade of EQ School.

A few weeks ago, I shared the conflict resolution thinking sheet from our kindergarten curriculum. The first grade student workbook uses that same sheet so students can practice it again:

However, the teacher guide goes deeper to meet first graders at their developmental level:

My favorite part of the teacher guide, are the questions to help the first graders go deeper with the thinking sheet since this is their second time seeing it:

Self-Awareness: If I’m feeling a little angry or sad, do you think that will impact how I talk with others?
Self-Regulation: Could I have practiced taking some deep breaths?
Interpersonal Skills: Why was it hard for me to be kind in this situation?
Empathy: How could I have shown kindness in this situation?
Effective Decision-making: Have your students practice this part with a classmate.

These questions are really helpful for me, a 35 year old working on forgiveness. Something about their simplicity lands more constructively for me. Especially the first question about how my feelings impact how I talk to other people. Whoa. My feelings impact how I talk to people. I know that intellectually, but I don’t think I’ve really digested the truth of that.

I also love the reminder to have students take a few deep breaths before doing this activity. I find it is much easier to be kind when I am calm and in my body (as opposed to stressed and dissociated) which deep breathing facilitates.

The biggest failures in my life thus far have been failures of kindness.

It has been really hard for me to be kind to myself and to others because of my lack of awareness of my own feelings, hurts, and emotional pain.

I’m really proud of myself for being able to acknowledge this, own it, and trust myself to grow and get better. I’m getting kinder every day. Softer. Free-er. More authentic.

I wasn’t taught to forgive as a kid. I was taught to ignore my own feelings. And that made me pretty unkind both to myself and others.

I would like to move forward more kindly. I would like to teach my children how to be kinder with themselves and others. I would like more teachers and parents to have resources to teach these complex emotional skills like conflict resolution.

Because being kind might sound simple and like a given. But it’s not. Being self-aware AND kind is actually really difficult. Especially when you haven’t been taught the challenging skills you need.

Where does this land for you?

Who modeled (or didn’t model) forgiveness for you when you were a kid?
Can you remember the first time you got in a conflict with your childhood friends? What happened? Were you able to resolve it? How did the adults in your life react?
How do you feel when the kids in your care are in the middle of a conflict?

Stay Soft, Elizabeth