How do I want to build this holiday break?

Dear EQuipped Leaders,

Hi! It’s winter break time! What does that mean for you this year?

Relaxation time

Family time

Unstructured kid time

Something totally different?

I panicked a little when I realized I was about to embark on two weeks with both of my kids home 24/7, but I’m approaching it differently this year and so far it’s working!

I’m building our days around what my kids need. AND what I need.

That might sound really obvious, but I have not operated like this before. I had very much a martyr mindset, where I was disconnected from my own needs.

I remember three years ago during my first holiday season whilst in therapy. My therapist asked me how I felt about the upcoming holiday. I scrunched up my face in discomfort and answered honestly:

“The most wonderful time of the year? Yikes, that’s so much pressure.”

I saw the holidays as a time of meeting others’ expectations. Of duty, obligation, and self-sacrifice. The main feeling I had about the holidays was dread.

Feelings signal needs. My feeling of dread spoke to how out of touch I was with my own basic needs. I thought I was just here to make everyone around me get the Christmas that they wanted. To meet my students’, my family’s, my friends’ expectations of me.

It makes a lot of sense now why I used to hate the holidays so much. I didn’t know what I felt, what I needed or wanted, or how to ask for it in a kind way.

I was just going through the motions. Trying not to rock the boat. Trying to please the people around me. Trying to survive. Reacting.

I feel for that young teacher me. It wasn’t that there wasn’t love and joy and fun in my life then. There definitely was. I just was so disconnected from myself, that I wasn’t able to take much of that goodness in and savor it. I was moving too fast. So busy and stressed. Talking past everyone. Ignoring them and me. Not present.

Now I’m trying to move through the holiday a little more mindfully.

When I was home alone with the kids yesterday, we talked through what everyone needed: I needed to go pick up my book club book, so I could connect to a part of myself that is not a caregiver–a part of myself that reads interesting books and then puts on real pants to go out into the world to talk about that book with other adult humans. That’s super important for me right now. I need to feel like I’m still a person outside of my role as mom.

My son needed 15 minutes to play football with me in the front yard. I’m learning how to play again. It’s actually really hard for me to stay in play. I get distracted and want to start doing chores. But I’m getting better, and I’m learning that if I set a timer, I’m better able to set a boundary for myself and give my son my undivided attention. And he’s 5 so to him 15 minutes might as well be forever, and it’s an amount that I can handle to stay present. I’m amazed how much better our day goes together when I front load it with the play he needs.

My 1-year-old daughter needed to eat apple slices and get little chunks of apple all over the floor because she just learned how to say “apple”, and she is very proud of herself. She also needed lots of snuggles. I also notice that if I take the time to fill my son’s bucket, he is better able to help me with his little sister. I’m so grateful for how loving and patient he is with her.

We met all of these needs yesterday and the day just flowed. I didn’t have to make loud declarations about screen time or scold everyone for making a mess. I didn’t have to over-control the day. It all just kind of worked. Not perfectly but peacefully.

I’ve started planning our holiday events this way too. What do we need as a family and as individuals? What do my husband and I need as a couple? How can we get those needs met this year? Yes, we have traditions too but what do we specifically need this year?

I find myself looking forward to the events I’m planning because they’re not happening out of obligation but out of desire.

I get to make this holiday what I want and need and what my family wants and needs. I feel like that sounds so obvious, but it really is a whole new world for me. Without the self-awareness to learn what I’m feeling and then how to follow that feeling to my needs, I couldn’t lead myself or my family. I couldn’t show up and build the holiday and life I wanted.

It’s the holiday break. And it’s your holiday too even amidst all you do for others. What do you need this year? How could you get that need met in a kind way?

Stay soft (It’s okay to have feelings and needs.), Elizabeth