Can I affirm myself like a 6th Grader?

Dear EQuipped Leaders,

‘Tis the season for __________.

What is your season filled with this year?

Simple joys

Hard decisions

Delicious food

Unsolicited parenting advice

Events on the calendar

Whatever you got going on today, you are welcome here. There is space for you. Hi! I’m so glad you’re here.

A theme for me this holiday season is figuring out how to find my balance when big feelings blow through.

I want to continue this theme today because I’m noticing that when I feel big feelings, I sometimes spiral in my thinking. Instead of grounding down and feeling my feelings, I can turn on myself. I can say really mean words to myself. It’s an old pattern. An adaptation I learned early on. And was probably helpful to me at some point, especially in middle school. I used to pride myself on “being hard on myself.” I believed saying terrible things to myself was doing me and everyone around me a big service. I now know that’s not how human beings work, and if you feed yourself enough poisonous words for long enough, they’ll make you sick. So today I want to travel back to sixth grade, and learn some tools for regulating negative self talk in a healthier way.

Here’s the 6th graders workbook page for facing and counteracting their negative thoughts:

I want to do this activity for me now, me when I was a teacher, and me as a 6th grader and see what happens. We’re about to jump right on into super duper negative thought land so buckle up!

Me now:

Negative thought after losing my temper and using mean words with my daughter: I’m not a good enough mom. I don’t deserve my children.

Affirmation to Counteract: It’s okay to be an imperfect/human parent. Losing my cool, owning it when my behavior isn’t okay, and then repairing is actually exactly what I need to be modeling for my children. I am a loving and thoughtful mom. I can trust in myself and in my goodness. I’m capable of showing up well for my children. I am doing a lot of hard emotional work, and I’m really proud of the woman and mother I’m becoming.

Me as a teacher:

Negative thought after receiving an email from a colleague criticizing my grammar: I need to make sure I don’t ever make a mistake like this ever again. I’m an English teacher, so my grammar has to be perfect always. I’m not allowed to make mistakes. Even in casual emails between colleagues, I need to be more guarded and hypervigilant. To survive in this school environment, I’m going to have to be perfect. I can’t believe I exposed myself to this teacher by making a mistake. I won’t let this happen again.

Affirmation to Counteract: Being an English teacher doesn’t exclude me from being a human being. It’s okay to make grammar mistakes. I know I’m intelligent and have much to offer this school and my students. I don’t need to get defensive and guarded. I can be myself and know I’m worthy of teaching. I can set a boundary with this colleague and trust in my own ability. I don’t want to teach my students to be perfectionists. I want to teach them to be curious and explore how to use words to express themselves. This colleague and I just value different things, and that’s okay.

Me as a sixth grader:

Negative thought after failing to unlock my locker: I’m so stupid! How am I going to make it in middle school if I can’t even do basic things like unlock my locker? Why am I so bad at this?

Affirmation to Counteract: School has changed so much since last year. It’s okay that I’m struggling and feeling stupid. All of this is new and it’s normal to feel awkward and overwhelmed. I’m okay. I can take a deep breath and trust that I can handle whatever 6th grade throws at me. I deserve to be here. I can do this.

Umm, whoa. I should do this a lot more often. I do this kind of coaching for my son all the time, but I need it for me. I definitely see a theme of perfectionism, turning on myself at any correction or mistake, and a difficulty believing I’m worthy of being wherever I am.

Thanks for traveling back with me. It feels really healing to sprinkle some kindness on me currently, past teacher me, and past 6th grade me. Very A Christmas Carol-esque. (Yeah, a Charles Dickens reference casually sprinkled in, take that, teacher who criticized my email grammar! I didn’t realize how salty I still was over that incident!!! That criticism really stuck with me all these years later.)

I’m grateful to be learning how to stop hurting myself with my words now, but I wish I’d gotten this earlier. It could have saved me a lot of unnecessary suffering.

Where does this land for you?

Do you know any 6th graders who would benefit from this exercise?
Could past or present you use some kind words to help counteract some negative thoughts?

What would happen if we all learned to be kinder and more understanding with ourselves? Not just told to love ourselves but actually given tools of what to do when we start turning on ourselves.

Stay honest AND soft, Elizabeth