Can I control my impulses like a second grader?

Dear EQuipped Leaders,

Hi! How’s your new year going so far?

What are you feeling?

Whatever you are bringing today, it’s welcome here. Thank you for continuing to show up.

Today, we are going to talk about everyone’s favorite topic: impulse control.

I’m working on my impulse control–on my 35 year-old impulse control. This is progress. I actually didn’t need to work on my impulse control for a long time because I was inhibiting my emotions so much that I didn’t even let myself feel mad. Of course, the anger was still there. Hurting me and those closest to me. It was just unconscious. And my fear of my own emotions was creating debilitating anxiety in my body. I didn’t trust myself. On some level, I knew I didn’t know how to handle my emotions in a safe and healthy way. That was a painful way to move through the world.

Now, I’m perfect, and I have everything figured out. :)

No, but I do know myself much better. I know how to care for myself so much more. I trust myself to work through things even when I’m struggling. I’m much more grounded and less easily swept up into a frenzy. And when I am, which of course still happens, I know how to ask for help and take care of myself and come back down.

This happened last night. I got an email that was super duper activating for me. SUPER DUPER activating for me, and for the first time maybe ever, I’m really proud of how I handled it. I let myself feel the SUPER DUPER big feelings, and I didn’t pretend they weren’t happening, AND I also still acted within my values.

I believe this is called impulse control. And it would have been nice for me to have learned this as a child instead of now, but here we are. Not bitter about it at all. :/

Today’s lesson teaches second graders how to practice impulse control while they are calm, so they have tools to reach for when they’re losing their minds.

Here is the teacher guide:

Here is the student journal page:

I have two favorite things about this lesson:

It doesn’t shame kids for having impulses and having a difficult time controlling their impulses. It doesn’t link bad behavior with bad character like a lot of disciplinary practices. It just is honest that sometimes it is really hard to behave in a way we’re proud of. And we need to learn to take even better care of ourselves in those moments. Not be harsher with ourselves.
I also love the visual of the bubble exercise for teaching kids deep breathing. Bubbles are the best anyway, and adding bubbles to this activity will make it stick in the kids’ brain so much more than just being told to breathe deeply. It engages more of their senses and creates a positive experience, so when they’re melting down, the teacher can reference the bubbles. I imagine myself coaching a kid: “Remember when we played with bubbles and practiced breathing? Would you be willing to try breathing a little more slowly and a little more deeply. Good. I see you trying. Thank you for taking a deep breath. Can you try one more. This is really hard, and you’re doing a good job.”

When I am really upset, it is SO hard for me to be kind to myself. I don’t fly off the handle or hurt anyone physically. But I can get mean–to myself and to those closest to me. I’m really good with words, and I know how to use them. I don’t want to hurt myself and those closest to me with my words anymore. I want to be softer and kinder.

When I got really activated last night from that SUPER DUPER activating email, I did something different. I sat down at the kitchen table with a piece of paper and my son’s crayons. I drew four, very specific things I like do that make me feel happy and calm and safe. Like a decision chart I saw on one of my daughter's Ms. Rachel videos. When I was done, I started doing the things I drew on my chart, and I felt better. And I felt grown up. And I felt really proud of myself.

I used to think my feelings were dangerous, and that it was my job to keep my world so small and controlled that I wouldn’t feel them. The more I realize I am capable of leading myself well no matter what I feel, the bigger and more beautiful and more expansive my world gets.

I didn’t need to feel less, I needed to support myself more.

Where does this land for you?

What is on your own personal choice chart for when you’re feeling big feelings?
What is your breathing like right now? When does your breathing feel good to you?
What feelings do you have a hard time feeling and need more support to feel safe to feel them?

Stay soft (It’s not weak to be soft and kind. It actually takes an incredibly strong spine),

Elizabeth

(P.S. Want this curriculum for your school, your kids, yourself? Email info@appliedEQgroup.com.)