What does “self-regulation” look and feel like?
Dear Applied EQ-ers,
How are you feeling? Specifically.
That’s self-awareness.
The ability to check in with what’s happening inside and name it. And the more specific the better. Envious isn’t the same as jealous. Resentment isn’t the same as anger. The more accurately you can nail down how you’re really feeling, the better EQ-uipped ;) you are to move through the emotion.
Once you have the right word for how you’re feeling, then we can move onto the next step: self-regulation.
This term “regulation” has been bothering me over the past few months. Something about it feels harsh to me. Sort of like me kindly and calmly asking you, “How are you feeling?” And then once you pour your heart out, me shouting at you, “REGULATE IT!”
It feels like a judgmental and controlling word to me.
However, I just found out that I was wrong about the word “regulate.”
Melissa and I are working on building PreK curriculum for the EQ-uipped classroom right now. We have K-12 curriculum and have received multiple requests for PreK curriculum, so we’re working to adapt the content for a younger audience.
We were writing lessons on STAR (See Emotions, Thank Emotions, and Regulate Emotions). When we got to the “Regulate Emotions” lesson, Melissa and I hit a block.
How do we explain “regulate” to 4-year-olds?
So we looked it up. What does “regulate” actually mean, literally? The first two definitions explained my hesitation around this word and why it felt too harsh, especially when trying to teach 4-year-olds about their emotions.
But the third definition: “to fix or adjust the time, amount, degree, or rate of” felt more true of self-regulation.
It made me think of letting the air out of a balloon. If you let it all burst forth at once, it makes a loud noise and sends the balloon flying around the room like crazy. If you regulate the air flowing out, it’s more manageable. Maybe that’s what I’m trying to do with my emotions: let them pass through me without sending me flying around the room.
When I think about emotion and what happens when we feel big emotions, things often speed up. Everything starts moving too fast, and that’s when situations escalate out of control.
We decided to frame self-regulation for PreK students with this third definition. We’re not trying to rule over our emotions; we’re trying to slow down the rate of how fast things are moving when big emotions happen.
If instead of getting caught up, we can pause for just a moment and take a deep breath, that can change everything. That’s self-regulation. You’re still feeling the feeling, but you’re slowing yourself down, slowing your breath down, so that the emotion doesn’t overwhelm and take over.
I’m finding this re-frame helpful in growing my own self-awareness and self-regulation. Instead of moving from awareness of emotions to control of emotions. I’m moving from awareness to controlling the speed of emotions. I don’t have to control what I’m feeling, I just have to “adjust the time, amount, degree, or rate of” emotion, so I can handle it.
Where does this land for you today?
When you were growing up, what tools of self-regulation did the adults in your life model?
Are your students able to self-regulate? Do they have resources to rely on when big emotions happen?
What would school feel like if everyone was given space to slow down and breathe throughout the day? What if the pace of school was kinder?
If you are wanting to get more resources on instructing emotion with your students, we would love to connect with you. :)
Applying EQ with you, Elizabeth Eason Martin
