Are you allowed to make mistakes?
Dear Applied EQ-ers,
I made a mistake.
I was traveling with Melissa and Kristen, two of my fellow Applied EQ trainers, on our way to an EQ-uipped Classroom teacher PD. We were flying into Chicago, and I was in charge of booking the rental car.
“No big deal. I’m a grown up and can book a car. Easy!”
As we rode in the bouncy shuttle from the airport terminal to the rental car hub, I pulled up my email confirmation. I glanced down and realized I had booked the car for the wrong airport. We had flown into the Midway airport, and I had accidentally booked the car for O’Hare.
Oh no.
Do you know that feeling? That sinking realization feeling.
I said a cuss word and told my two traveling companions what I had done.
Melissa said, “It will be okay.”
Would it though? Would it?
I screwed up. And there was no hiding it. I could feel myself becoming dysregulated as I started to think through possible scenarios.
What if there are no cars available? What if I just wasted money? How long was this going to take now? What will my colleagues and boss think of me? I only had one thing to book for this trip. How could I have screwed this up?
I took some deep breaths and noticed the catastrophizing thoughts. I paid attention to them, but I didn’t let them overtake me.
Kristen said, “Maybe we’ll have someone generous at the counter.”
We did not.
No transfer allowed. Likely a full pay penalty for the cancelled rental. Lots more time keeping Melissa and Kristen waiting after a long day of travel. Failure.
I messed up and made everything harder for everyone.
If I could go back to that moment, I would have tried practicing the time test that we teach in training: How much will this matter to me in 5 minutes, 5 hours, 5 days, 5 years? But I didn’t do that. I was pretty deflated.
We got a new rental, made our way to lunch, and carried on. Melissa asked me, “What can we do to help?” because she could see I was upset with myself.
I thought about it and then asked, “Can we please go around the circle and everyone tell about a time when you made a mistake?”
It helped. Because no matter how much Melissa and Kristen reassured me, it wasn’t until I had concrete examples about their own mistakes that I could feel less alone and accept myself with the mistake.
It all worked out in the end. I called the rental car customer service line and was shocked when the woman on the phone told me it was no problem, and she could give me a full refund. I accidentally blurted out, “I love you!” to her on the phone which was weird, but everything worked itself out.
I used to tell my students all the time, “It’s okay to make mistakes. We learn from our mistakes.” And I now repeat those same words to my son.
But I wonder if I’ve been lying. Because when I actually made a mistake, Melissa told me, “It’s okay.” But I didn’t tell myself that. I didn’t give myself that permission.
I did eventually work through my anxiety, and I remained calm enough to continue our day of travel and even work out a solution on the phone. I didn’t stay in shame and let it ruin the whole day like I likely would have in the past.
And then for the rest of the trip whenever anything would go wrong (as is inevitable when you’re traveling or just being a human), we would yell out to each other, “I make mistakes!” It changed the tone of our trip a little bit and made more space for human error and honesty.
It reminded me of one of the kindest things anyone has ever said to me: “I’m going to let you down.”
It wasn’t until I heard those words from someone I trust and rely upon that I realized how much of my life I’ve spent trying to avoid letting anyone down ever. How small and controlled I kept my world to avoid making a mistake.
But I’m human. I make mistakes. I’m going to screw up and let others down sometimes, and I’m still a worthwhile human being.
I’m more than the expectations I meet for other people.
I’m Elizabeth, and I make mistakes. :)
Applying EQ with you, Elizabeth Eason Martin
