Can I achieve my goals like a fourth grader?

Dear EQuipped Leaders,

Hi.

It’s holiday season. For me, the holidays just crank up the volume on whatever is going on for me currently. Both the joyful and the hard.

What do the holidays bring up for you? How are you feeling going into this year’s holiday season? What’s happening within you?

I want to try some EQ experiments and show up differently this holiday season. I really want to be kind to myself and kind to those I’m celebrating with.

That sounds simple. Yeah, duh, just be kind.

But I’m finding it’s actually really difficult and requires me to learn how to be a bigger person over and over.

So as I gear up, I want to think through how I might feel as I try to show up to old spaces in new ways. To help me, I’m traveling back to fourth grade today.

What do you remember about fourth grade? For me, my strongest memory is Shirley English. Did y’all do that as a kid? Chant the different sentence parts as a class? Those sentences on the board and the monotone chant of “Subject” “Verb” are burned into my brain.

The fourth grade lesson I’m highlighting today is on self regulation for goal setting. I find regulating my emotions to be A LOT HARDER during the holidays, so I thought this might be just what I needed today. Let’s do it.

Like much of this curriculum, this lesson empowers fourth grade students to create goals for their school year and gives them resources to help achieve those goals. I love this because it helps center kids’ desire instead of “should-ing” them into certain behaviors. It honors kids by asking them what it is they want to achieve. Did any adults ask you your goals for the school year when you were in fourth grade? I got asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, which felt equivalent to asking what I’d want to do if I traveled to a different planet. No one was asking what I wanted out of the present school year. It would have been nice to have been asked.

The student workbook has a little map to travel through what students might experience as they journey to their goal:

I’m going to do this exercise for my goal to show up kind to myself and kind to others this holiday season.

When things feel hard…

I may feel…foolish for trying something different.

I may think…I should just give up and stop trying to connect with other people.

I need to remember…practicing new ways of being is really difficult and good things take time. I don’t have to throw everything away just because things aren’t going perfectly.

When things feel great…

I may feel…nervous that something bad is about to happen.

I may think…I need to be on guard for any sign that things are about to turn.

I need to remember…I can enjoy peaceful moments. I’m allowed to stay in this moment. I don’t need to try to prepare for future problems. I can trust myself to rise to each moment and not miss the one I’m currently living.

When things feel hard again…

I may feel…discouraged.

I may think…I’m incapable of change.

I need to remember…there are going to be ups and downs on the path to every goal. Just because I’m experiencing a down in this moment doesn’t mean I’m failing. It actually probably means I’m getting closer to showing up as the person I want to be.

When I accomplish my goal…

I may feel…surprised.

I may think…I don’t deserve to get what I want.

I need to remember…I’m worthy of good things. I’m allowed to own that I achieved my goal and celebrate my progress.

Whoa, doing this exercise made me feel a lot better. It also helped me realize how quickly my thoughts about my feelings turn critical. And that I’m more comfortable in hardship than in celebration. I actually feel sturdier after doing this. And it helped me channel that hum of anxiety about upcoming holidays in the background into a focused exercise.

Do the fourth graders in your life know how to set and stick with their goals? Do you?