Can I see my shadow self?

Dear EQuipped Leaders,

Howdy! Yes, that’s right. I just said “howdy” to you. How does that make you feel?

I live in Bryan/College Station, Texas which is home to the giant university Texas A&M. Part of the culture of the university is to say “Howdy” in pretty much all settings: group emails, speeches, walking past strangers. Like the giant gold rings that many of the students here get, it signifies you’re part of something, you belong, you’re from here.

When I first moved here over 11 years ago, I hated this practice. Hated it. I moved here because my husband was attending grad school at A&M, and I felt like such an outsider.

I wasn’t aware of it, but my shadow self was really put off by this howdy culture. I knew, consciously, that I didn’t like the practice, but I just thought it was because saying “howdy” was objectively stupid. Everyone saying howdy to each other and trying to say it to me was the problem. I didn’t have any problems.

But I did have problems. My shadow self hurt everytime someone said howdy to me.

Are you familiar with your shadow?

Your shadow are those parts of you that you hide because you think if others see them, you will be rejected. And they’re the parts of you that you aren’t even aware of. Perhaps parts that got wounded so young, that you had to push them outside your own conscious in order to carry on.

I think I had multiple shadow parts that felt hurt and irked by “howdy.”

First, I was being fake. I learned to shape shift to try to be what people wanted me to be, so I felt really inauthentic. So when someone offered me a bit of belonging: “Howdy!” I didn’t think I could have it. I don’t get to belong. I don’t deserve it. If you knew who I really was, you wouldn’t invite me to your party. My shadow was hurt by my rejection of it and punished me for it.

Second, I was desperate for belonging, and it hurt me to see a group of people belong. I mocked it and called it a cult because it hurt my feelings. I wanted community and belonging, and I envied people who looked like they had it. This hit home recently as my son rewatched the movie The Grinch over and over this past holiday season. As I watched the Grinch have flashbacks from his painful childhood that made Christmas time intolerable to him, I had a wash of realization: “Oh my God, I’m the Grinch. I’ve been doing the exact same thing!” Just like the Grinch bristled at the whos holding hands and singing around the Christmas tree, I bristled at this community practice of saying “howdy.” It made me too aware of the ways I felt like an outsider.

Third, I was born and raised in Arkansas, and I was ashamed of the stereotypes people had of my home state. I spent a lot of energy making sure I didn’t have a noticeable accent and that I used vocabulary that showed I was educated, cultured, worldly. So someone saying “howdy” threatened to expose a part of me I was trying to hide.

When I first learned about the concept of shadow self in working with Applied EQ, I got it totally backwards. I thought the shadow were truly unacceptable parts of me that had to be hidden and controlled, parts that didn’t deserve to get community or attention or love. I thought I was trying to become more self-aware and see my shadow, so I could better control and hide the unlovable parts of myself.

I don’t feel that way anymore. I now recognize that my shadow parts are hurting and that they need my attention. And if I keep ignoring them or rejecting them, they will act out and self sabotage.

The kid part of me who felt rejected needs my acceptance for who I really am, not who I pretend to be to get social acceptance.

The grinchy part of me who mocked others because she envies their belonging needs real community with people who love me for who I really am.

The Arkansan part of me that felt shame when people made cruel jokes about Arkansans not wearing shoes or being inbred or being uneducated, needs my attention. She needs to be reassured that where I’m from is a part of who I am, and if I’m not ashamed, others can’t weaponize that against me.

The more I accept all the parts of myself and tend to the hurting parts of my shadow, the more free and alive and safe I feel. The more I own who I am, the more I am able to enjoy myself and others.

I don’t know if saying “howdy” will ever feel natural for me, but when people say it to me now, I feel so differently. I don’t have these hurt parts of my shadow rising up and putting me on the defensive. I can just smile back genuinely, grateful for the invitation, and I can decide if I want to take it and give a “howdy” back or just give a warm and happy “hi” in return. But I get to decide from a grounded place of belonging to myself. I get to choose who I want to be and how I want to connect with others.

Better EQuipped Together, Elizabeth Eason Martin