What is the relationship between stress and EQ?

Dear EQuipped Leaders,

Hi! Let’s begin with a little High/Low check in again.

What’s a high from your weekend so far?

What’s a low?

How difficult/easy is it for you to come up with your specific high/low?

I’m noticing I’m really quick to come up with several highs from my weekend, but I go a bit blank for a moment when I reach for the low. When my family and I go around and share our high/low at dinner each evening, I notice I’m always scrambling a bit to think of my low. I guess speaking honestly about what I’m struggling with still feels like breaking the rules. But I also know it’s really good for me to slowly bring the hard parts of my experience more into my own awareness. They’ve been relegated to the shadows of my consciousness for so long. It feels good to have the space to start gently accepting the whole of reality instead of remaining in denial about the tougher bits.

Whew, I’m just wading right into the existential deep end this morning! Deep breath. Grounding down. Let’s hone in today’s topic:

Stress and EQ

All of the trainings we do for educators really fall into one of these three categories:

Today, I want to focus on stress aka “the storms.”

When I was preparing for the beginning of the school year as both a student and as a teacher, I had a distorted view of stress. I thought stress was outside of me. That it was all the stuff happening around me/to me. I thought if I could control what was happening in my external environment (the outside storm), then the inside storm would calm.

But something strange was happening because no matter what I was able to change in my external environment, the storm inside me never quieted. I thought I would feel better once I got to the end of my to-do list, once I made it through May, once I got that new leadership position, once that authority figure behaved the way I thought he should. But nothing worked. Nothing I did calmed the storm within. Nothing that happened or didn’t happen calmed the storm within me.

This quote is one we use in trainings to help illustrate the illusion of stress as only outside of us:

It took me a long time, but I eventually had to face the reality for myself that I didn’t know how to quiet the storm within me no matter how calm things were around me. I carried the storm and turbulent terror within my body everywhere I went. And until I got the help and support I needed to start tending to all that storminess within, I couldn’t even begin to grow my self-awareness or self-regulation.

For me and my journey, I was only able to calm the storm within me once I found a safe therapist to help me. My body and nervous system were humming with anxiety at all times. And while I tried everything I could think of on my own: yoga, mediation, an absurd number of self-help podcasts and books, I couldn’t quiet the storm without help–real human connection help. I’m so proud of myself for believing in myself and seeking out help. I had no idea I would be able to feel this good, this at peace, this free in my own body. It’s one of the best and most important decisions I’ve ever made. I tell you this because I don’t want you to think that you should be able to calm the storm within yourself by yourself. Maybe you can. But I couldn’t do it alone at first. I can calm the storms within me now, but I couldn’t have tapped into my own internal resources without first getting the outside support I needed. And when I can’t calm myself now, I know how to ask for help.

I went to elementary school in my home state of Arkansas where we get a lot of big storms and tornadoes. Every Wednesday at lunch time, just as my friends and I were playing four square on the playground, a giant horn blasted a deafening warning. They tested the storm sirens for several minutes every single week. When they did this, our game ceased so we could all clap our hands over our ears until the siren finally went off.

My nervous system was a lot like that practice siren. It was sounding constantly even when there wasn’t an actual storm worth sounding the alarm for. It wouldn’t stop blaring its warning. And it prevented me from playing and enjoying the calm moments of my life. It feels so good to live my life now without a giant siren sounding in my brain.

Calming the storms (my internal stress) within me, has allowed me to learn about my emotions (my internal weather) and my own personality (my internal climate). Learning to cope with my stress was foundational for me because until I could tolerate my stress without being overwhelmed by it, I couldn't really tend to any of the other parts of EQ. It’s hard to learn anything new in the middle of a massive storm. And honestly, I didn’t realize how stormy my insides were. I thought being high strung was just part of my personality. I didn’t know I was capable of being calm. I didn’t know that at my healthiest, I have calm energy that I and those closest to me enjoy.

Where does this land for you?

What is your relationship with stress?
Are you aware of and able to calm your internal storms?
Are you EQuipped to offer your own calm and regulated state to the children in your care who look to you for co-regulation?

What if everyone on your campus had tools to calm their own stress? Want to EQuip your leaders, teachers, and/or students? Please reach out to us via email at info@appliedEQgroup.com.

Better EQuipped Together, Elizabeth