Want to summon your inner Dream Team?
Dear Applied EQ-ers,
I used to believe having needs meant I was “needy.” I wanted to be fully independent and to be a helper (not a helpee), so I tried to fool myself into thinking I didn’t have legitimate needs.
I came by this belief honestly. I think back to what I was praised for growing up, and I was often rewarded at school for suppressing my needs in order to over-achieve. My perfectionism was lauded, so I assumed it was only a good thing. I didn’t know its cost and the way my hypervigilance would eventually wear on my body and health.
Turns out I am human.
And humans have needs.
All humans. Even people like me who thought I could outsmart, out-work, and out-achieve the human condition.
Now, instead of living in denial about my own unmet needs, I’m trying to be more aware of my needs so I can actually get them met instead of running around like a martyr and feeling constantly resentful.
Which sounds super obvious when I write it out, but I’m finding it much easier said than done.
A framework that is helping me is the concept of Dream Team.
Part of our EQ-uipped Classroom training for teachers includes strategies for anticipating and coping with stress, so we can empower teachers to be resilient and avoid burnout. Essentially: How do teachers make sure they’re getting their own needs met, so they’re EQ-uipped to meet the needs of students?
We went over this concept as a team last spring in preparation for the EQ-uipped Classroom trainings we gave throughout schools’ August inservices, and I had a strong personal reaction to learning about the Dream Team. I had to face the hard truth that I didn’t let people play these roles in my life. I was happy to serve on others’ Dream Team, but I wasn’t willing to be vulnerable enough to let others serve on mine.
I had engineered my entire life to be a helper, not a helpee. I’m the savior, not the saved. I’m the “strong” one. I seek out and set up relationships in this same pattern over and over, unconsciously. And then I get really resentful about all my own unmet needs and how used I feel by everyone around me.
Self-awareness can be a real kick in the pants.
But I’m growing, or, as my son would say, I’m “turning bigger.” I’m learning that it’s okay to be a human with needs. It’s okay to want my own Dream Team. It’s okay to accept help.
However, the second big revelation about all this was tricky too: I didn’t know how to tell others what I needed without first learning to play these roles for myself. I can’t teach what I don’t know! So instead of looking externally and expecting others to somehow figure out what I need, I first needed to learn how to summon my own Dream Team. I needed to learn how to treat myself well before I could ever hope to teach my people how to treat me well.
We now use the prompts below with groups of educators to help empower them to serve as their own Caregiver, Sage, Hero, and Everyman.
I hope you take a few minutes (or several) away from serving others today to take stock of your own inner Dream Team. Others need you and depend on you. And you have needs too. Your needs also deserve time and attention.
Do you want PD or resources like Dream Team for your school? We would love to connect with you. :)
Applying EQ with you, Elizabeth Eason Martin
