How do I express emotion responsibly?

Dear EQuipped Leaders,

I’m re-reading Relationships that Work: Four Ways to Connect (And Set Boundaries with Colleagues, Students, and Parents). And a hypothetical story from it about the “campus grump” made me reflect on a blindspot I’ve had around expressing emotion.

I talk a lot on this blog about feeling all your feelings and expressing your emotions. Mostly because I spent so much time trying NOT to feel and trying to hide my true emotions. I didn’t know how to responsibly direct my emotional energy. So I would try to swallow it, which hurt me. Or I would let it unconsciously direct my behavior, which would hurt other people. Neither is ideal.

However, I also realize why I was afraid of expressing my emotion. The story in the book is about the campus grump unloading his emotional frustration on a fellow teacher in the teacher’s lounge. Here’s a snippet of his angry speech:

“‘Okay, fine. I’ll tell you why I’m miserable. I’m miserable because I have to work on this campus. Most of you are complete idiots. The administration on this campus and in this district is incompetent. The kids on this campus are disrespectful snots. And their parents don’t care. I’m overworked, underpaid, and underappreciated. I’m thinking about leaving this hell hole because it’s obvious that you all don’t appreciate what you have in me.’

You know I’m really not going to leave because I’ve been threatening that for the last sixteen years. I turn around and walk out. You take a deep sigh and slowly head for the door, your stomach half turned in knots from the negative energy I just released.

Guess what? I go home that night, and I sleep like a baby. Absolutely no problems initiating and sustaining sleep with me. Why? Because there is no emotional fuel stored in my body–I vomited it all on you in the teacher’s lounge. And while that may be good for me in the short-term, consider the damage I’ve done in the process of expressing my anger. I’ve slandered my colleagues, belittled the students and their parents.

Not good. Not adaptive.”

— Relationships that Work

This story reminded me of moments during my own career when colleagues unloaded their emotions in the faculty lounge. The speech in the book at first felt a little over the top, but then I thought back to some of the things I heard fellow teachers say about kids, parents, and other teachers, and it tracks with my experience. I’ve seen plenty of unhealthy emotional expression in the faculty lounge. I’ve felt my stomach turn to knots. I’ve also done my fair share of unhealthy emotional expression. I remember taking my aggression out on the copy machine and angrily slamming the paper tray drawers. I’m sure it was not a “good vibes only” experience with me either.

It reminded me that not all emotional expression is productive. Expressing emotions like the campus grump is irresponsible. It severs connection and hurts other people. He is not aware of the intensity of his emotions. He is not aware of the harm he’s causing others. He also sleeps well at night and keeps coming back to work out his emotional issues in his classroom, school, and community. Yikes.

I know this person. I’ve seen this person on school campuses. Have you? Does anyone come to mind at your school? They’re not struggling because they work their emotions out on others. They go home and sleep like a baby, oblivious to the harm they’ve caused.

So when I talk about the importance of expressing emotions, I’m not talking about unconsciously unloading intense emotions. I’m talking about being EQuipped:

“To be healthy emotionally, we must move beyond simply expressing our emotions, keeping in mind how we choose to express them.”

— Relationships that Work

Feeling all of our feelings is healthy and necessary. The responsibility piece comes in when we decide how we want to express emotion in a way that honors ourselves and honors those around us.

Where does this land for you today?

When you feel emotion build up in you, how do you express it responsibly? Who have you seen do this well?
Have you ever encountered a campus grump? How did they make you feel? How self-aware do you think they were?
Who on your campus have you seen express emotions responsibly? Being authentic while also being respectful of others.

Want to know more?

If this story resonated with you, you might enjoy reading Relationships that Work or booking a workshop with us to implement these skills on your campus:

Relationships that Work Workshop Description:

Most of us already know that relationships matter in any field, but particularly in education. The question is: how? How do I build life-impacting relationships with students? How do I build resourceful relationships with my colleagues on campus? How do I build supportive relationships with my students’ parents?

There is a framework—the practice of four essential skills that will posture and position any educator to a place of relational readiness. 1) Reflecting (on why I am here); 2) Directing (the fuel of my emotion); 3) Connecting (building relational bridges across differences) and 4) Protecting (my mind, my heart, and my body from toxic, hurtful people).

Learning Outcomes:

Participants will understand the importance of “why”.
Participants will recognize the role of managing emotion in healthy relationships.
Participants will know how to utilize non-contingent communication (bridge-building) to overcome personal biases.
Participants will understand the dynamics of effective boundary setting.

Better EQuipped Together, Elizabeth Eason Martin

Email me at elizabeth@appliedeqgroup.com with any feedback or questions. :)

Want to better EQuip your school’s leaders, classrooms, and parents?

Connect with us through email or Schedule a free call with Jenny, our Director of School Partnerships, to discuss your school’s needs and if we’re a good fit for your campus.

Let’s Get Acquainted!