How do I want to connect with the kids depending on me?
Dear EQuipped Leaders,
It’s May and the school year is finally winding down!
What does the end of this school year feel like to you?
As a student, I remember May as the month when fights would break out in the hallways, kids crashing together as students formed crowded chanting rings around them. It was getting hot outside and tensions would rise.
As a teacher, I remember May as equal parts stressful and underwhelming. I never pulled off the school ending I wanted. I would always try to come up with a big meaningful grand finale for each of my classes, and they never worked. No matter what I tried, the school year always seemed to fizzle out in May. Final exams, AP tests, and final grades wore everyone down, and we all just started counting down to the end. I never got my Dead Poets Society-level meaningful ending!
However, I also reflect on that time of year as being more open and honest with students, a time to connect with them at a level that was hard to do during the heart of the school year. Towards the very end, things seemed to get a little more relaxed as we slowly trudged to the last day of school. And looking back, I see it as a really prime time to infuse more non-contingent communication into relationships in the classroom before sending kids on their way.
Much of my communication with students as a teacher was contingent:
“Did you finish your assignment?”
“I need this before Thursday.”
“Did you read my email reminder?”
I am more comfortable with contingent communication because of my personality. Scoring high on conscientiousness means I can often prioritize the completion of tasks over the quality of relationships. Meaning, I get so caught up in crossing things off our classroom to-do list, that I can be blind to the opportunities to connect with students.
I still do this as a mom. My 4-year-old called me out on this a few months ago, and I’m so glad he did. I was in my first trimester of pregnancy and feeling really exhausted. I was trying to get my son to brush his teeth, so we could complete our bedtime routine and I could finally collapse into bed. Like all human children, my son was taking his sweet time and dragging this bedtime process out. I started running out of patience and barking orders and consequences at him “if he didn’t brush his teeth right now,” I threatened through gritted teeth.
And I’ll never forget his response.
He looked me right in the eye, waved his hands in the air, and said “Oooooohh!” in a mocking tone of “Look who thinks she’s the fancy boss of the world.”
My son openly mocked my attempt at authoritarian rule over his teeth brushing.
My response?
I broke into laughter. He was right. This wasn’t time to set a boundary with him. This one was on me. It wasn’t his fault that I wasn’t feeling well, and I was taking it out on him. I deserved to be called out at that moment.
He knocked me out of my authoritarian, contingent communication, to-do list mode and reminded me to soften back into my human, non-contingent communication, being present mode.
Non-contingent communication is more like this:
“Are you still able to go to that yoga class you enjoy?”
“What did you think about the game [event that kid is interested in] last night?
”How is your day going?”
If you scored high on conscientiousness like me, practicing non-contingent communication can be especially helpful.
Contingent communication = Let’s get stuff done!
Non-contingent communication = Let’s connect! :)
Where does this land for you today?
How often do your students get asked non-contingent communication questions from an adult?
What do you notice yourself using more, contingent or non-contingent communication?
Is there someone who you struggle to connect with in your life? Would you be willing to experiment with using a non-contingent communication question to try to connect?
While getting stuff done is important and necessary, are there opportunities to deepen connection with students before saying, “Goodbye” for the school year?
Better EQuipped Together, Elizabeth Eason Martin
Email me at elizabeth@appliedeqgroup.com with any feedback or questions. :)
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