Where is my anger slipping out?

Dear EQuipped Leaders,

How are you this December morning? Are you feeling merry and bright? Angry and resentful? Tender and soft?

In case no one has told you, all of your feelings are okay. All of them. Even during the holidays.

I’m finding that for me the holidays just turn up the dial on whatever I’m already feeling. It’s a lot.

So today, I want to take some time to honor an emotion that I think gets really unappreciated, especially during the holidays: Anger.

Anger usually gets associated with some not-so-great behaviors. And when anger boils up in a person who can’t see or regulate themselves, it is scary.

Have you ever seen a person get overcome with anger and start acting out reactively and destructively?

Have you ever seen a person get overcome with anger, pause, reflect and honor their anger, and then decide how to act in a way that honors both themselves and others?

I’ve seen the former a heck of a lot more than the latter. How about you?

And because anger usually gets acted out in destructive ways, one approach parents and teachers take is to try to shut it down all together in themselves and the kids in their care.

And that makes sense. If your experience is: things get scary when someone is angry it makes sense to want to prevent that. However, anger is not the problem. The person who can’t see or regulate themself is the problem.

Anger is great! It lets you know that something feels unfair to you. Something needs to be corrected in one of the relationships or systems you’re a part of. Something is not quite right. Anger gives you important information about yourself and what you need.

Also, you can’t shut your anger down anyway. It’s there whether you’re aware of it or not, so might as well welcome it in and figure out how to hold it in a way that doesn’t hurt you or those around you. Which is actually super duper hard to do. That’s why we see destructive anger way more. It’s easier and louder and much more common.

So I’m actually in a bit of a pickle with this myself. I’m trying to be different with myself and with other people. I’m trying to be my own hero and live out of my values. The problem is one of the values I’ve chosen is “compassion.”

And I’m having a bit of a tricky time figuring out how to pair my value of compassion with the anger (rage) that flares up inside of me on the daily.

How do I honor whatever my anger is trying to tell me and honor my value of compassion at the same time? It’s way harder than just getting mad and getting mean. Normally, when I feel angry, I would look for someone to blame, myself or someone else, and I would offload my anger that way. But now I know that’s not healthy. That’s not who I want to be.

So where do I put it? What do I do with this fire inside of me?

I think part of my current struggle is my backlog of anger. I suppressed my anger for a long time.

I remember my therapist asking me what I do when I get angry with my son, and I replied in genuine denial, “I don’t get angry with my son.”

Oh boy.

I used to think that about my students too. I don’t get angry with my students. I’m a good teacher. I feel only positively towards all of my students all of the time.

I really wanted to be a good teacher, a good mom, and a good person, so I just cut out my anger from my awareness and kept on moving. It was still there doing harm to me and others, but I didn't have to look at it, didn’t have to face it, didn’t have to face myself and my own limitations.

I’m now much more aware of my anger. And I’m angry a lot. And instead of trying not to be angry, or pretending I’m not angry when I actually am, I want to get creative and figure out a way to honor my anger and honor my value of compassion.

I have no idea how to do that yet, but I’m starting to experiment. And I think the key is in the ability to pause. Because my first reaction when I’m angry is rarely compassionate. But if I can stop the train and slow things down, then I can make a choice. If I can pause, I do have the power to be who I want to be.

Where does this land for you today?

Where is your anger slipping out this holiday season?

Where do you see others’ anger showing up?

How do you pair your anger with your values?

Better EQuipped Together, Elizabeth elizabeth@appliedeqgroup.com

P.S. I got to do my student teaching with the greatest mentor teacher of all time. He reached out to me and shared this song from Mister Rogers the day after I decided to write about anger this week. The coincidence made me smile, and I had to share. I hope you enjoy this musical wisdom from the king of SEL: