What is my communication style?

Dear EQuipped Leaders,

How are you today? Cruising into the end of the school year with energy? Hanging on for dear life? Something totally different?

Whatever you’re feeling, your thoughts and feelings matter. I feel a little silly actually stating that directly, but I stand by it. I’ve only recently started believing (and behaving as though) my thoughts and feelings matter. And I definitely didn’t expect other people to respect my thoughts or feelings until now. So in case no one has ever given you permission to take your thoughts and feelings seriously, please consider this lovely letter your official permission slip.

My doubt of my own thoughts and feelings is actually what’s made up the foundation of my default communication style.

Do you know what your communication style is? Did you know there are different communication styles?!? Here is a brief overview of each one from The EQ Intervention:

The Passive Communication Style:

“The primary concern of a passive communicator is to not upset anyone. Passive communicators rarely express their own thoughts and feelings, they rarely identify their needs, and they rarely set effective boundaries with others. Since they do not express their feelings, they are prone to repress them.”

Might look like:

-Poor eye contact

-Slouched body posture

-Speaking softly and apologetically

Might sound like:

“Oh, don’t worry about it. It was nothing, really.”

The Aggressive Communication Style:

“If the passive communication style is about not wanting to upset or offend anyone, the aggressive communication style generally does not care about upsetting or offending. While passive communicators are not normally aware of their needs, and when they are they don’t express them, aggressive communicators are hyper-focused on their needs and express them as a priority.”

Might look like:

-Intense eye contact

-dominating body language

-speaking loudly and in commands

Might sound like:

“I’LL USE ALL CAPS TO SHOUT AT YOU IN WRITING!”

Passive-Aggressive Communication Style

“The passive-aggressive communication style combines the least desirable aspects of the passive and aggressive styles. It begins in deference to the other and turns into subtle or indirect aggression when the individual feels powerless…One-on-one communication is characterized by superficial cordiality, but can turn into the silent treatment or spreading rumors…these individuals are stuck in the purgatory of knowing their needs but being unable to appropriately express them.”

Might look like:

-Facial expressions that don’t match the perceived feeling or affect

Might sound like:

Said with a smile, “Oh, was it your favorite sweater I accidentally ruined in the wash?”

The Assertive Communication Style:

“In the assertive mode, the communicator is keen on having their needs met but communicates those needs in a manner that extends dignity and respect to the listener. The speaker indicates ownership of feelings without blaming or condemning the listener…Sometimes assertive communication means saying no when saying yes would be the popular, if not necessarily the best, option.”

Might look like:

-Eye contact respectfully maintained

-Speaking with typical volume and pace

Might sound like:

“I felt sad and hurt when you said the dinner I prepared was horrible because I spent a lot of time preparing it.”

Which one sounds the most like you?

On my best day, I can rock some assertive communication, but if I’m being honest, I think my default is the passive-aggressive communication style. I have been really disconnected from my own needs most of my life. I wasn’t self-aware, so I didn’t know what I was feeling, what I needed, or how to ask for what I needed kindly. I’m only just now learning how to do that.

I imagine I’m not alone in this. Previous methods of discipline were so focused on behavior while neglecting to teach kids how to feel their feelings and communicate their needs. If a kid is only ever supposed to behave in a compliant way, that doesn’t leave room for assertive communication. Blind compliance to authority doesn’t leave any room for feelings, needs, or negotiation.

I’m trying to learn to use more assertive communication now, and it is so difficult and vulnerable. It requires me to really hold onto myself and value my feelings, needs, and time. It also requires me to assume the best of others and communicate in a way that is generous towards others. This is so opposite to what I’m used to. My default is to whip out my blame thrower: blame myself and remain passive, or blame others and get aggressive.

But if I take a deep breath, let myself feel my feelings and figure out my needs, and ask kindly and directly for what I need, something magical happens: I actually get my needs met. I stop feeling so resentful. I stop trying to covertly control other people’s behavior. I stop even worrying about other people’s behavior. I get to move about my day more freely. This way of being is making the world feel more like a playground to me and less like a haunted house.

So let me practice some assertive communication with you:

I feel grateful to be able to write about communication styles because I’m trying to apply this in my own life. I feel grateful for your presence here. If you feel you’ve been served well by this blog, please do one of the following to support my writing to you:

Leave a comment below. I would love to know your primary communication style!
Email me about which topic has been most helpful for you.
Order yourself a copy of The EQ Intervention.
Email for info to bring our Applied EQ Group speakers and trainers to your school community for professional development.

This feels awkward for me to try but also honest, so I think I’m finally landing in the assertive lane!

Better EQuipped Together,

Elizabeth